Well it has been over 2 months now since I last added something here, and as time passed I do find it rather difficult to bring myself to spill my guts out here. The truth is that who is reading what I write here, and how many could ever understand how I actually feel.
I have written song lyrics before to express how I feel in my heart but now, I am trying to convince myself to do something bigger and larger as I have thought of writing a script (for a movie or a book). I have 3 people already in my mind till date but it could have been more but guessed the 3 people would be good enough. Though I have not actually started work on the script but I have a good idea how the script should run. The 1st Chapter would be THE MEETING and I would place the draft copy here once it has been completed.
For now, and for me, it is work and more work and stress.....with all the burden now emplaced on my shoulders....sigh
Till I write again....
Tata
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Monday, February 7, 2011
Life Beyond 40 and Love
Been doing a lot of thinking of late as I reflect on my life now and the years that went by, and I realised that other than work which gives me some form of joy, there is just nothing much that really makes me feel complete.
I have been telling myself day after day that there is always a BETTER TOMORROW, and it is not like the Hong Kong movie about gangsters, but really a BETTER TOMORROW. I lamented on a lot of what could have beens in the past but in reality, I have never been brave enough to face the UGLY REALITIES in life. Life is not all about love but we could not live without it too. For someone who is ONCE BITTEN TWICE SHY, I find it absolutely so difficult to give my heart to anyone without feeling the anxieties and insecurity as the past record has not been kind to me as many knows.
Not too sure why GOOD GUYS always finish last or get finished off so easily, but I guess that is an UGLY FACT which I have to learn to accept.
Through the years of courtship, never had I for once, taken the lust path into my courtship as I always believe that being a TRUE GENTLEMAN would prevail. How wrong I was? How naive I was? It was never gonna work that way as I found out in the years of courtships and in most cases, I never made it past HELLO. To me at that time, courtship was like a 3 step game: Aquaintance, Getting to know and Being together. Guess what through the years, I failed even in the first hurdle. Some say I am too ill equipped, too poorly poised, too dumb to read between the lines and etc..... The only thing that warms the heart was the time when someone accepted who I am without picking on my faults and defects. In all fairness, how many people actually spent a lifetime looking for the ONE for life? Lastly it is so so difficult as in reality, human beings are selfish beings, and not many I know that are selfless and willing to give it all.
At my age now, just passed the 40 year old mark and starting a new era in life, have really nothing much to look for actually. In reality, sometimes I wonder also what lies ahead in front of me to face. Used to love children and I never lost that affainity with children but I would have to give up having kids of my own as I have passed the critical age limit already. Done my mathematics and I surely would not wanna retire when I am 70 years old as I expect my energy level to drop drastically in the next 5 to 7 years before I reach 50 years old. Of course the other truth is that I am no longer half the man I used to be as I really would not know if the ammunitions in me work anymore. I of course have done my family some injustice as the bloodline may not be able to continue in me.
This days, I only looking for companionship, and some love too. But I am prepared to give a lot of concessions away as I am no longer young and that I, too, have a past which is best left buried and not to be dugged up. Will I find it? Will there be someone out there for me who is willing to live with me, and accept me as what I am? Sigh......sometimes love just ain't enough!
But till I write again, I just want to put all my energies and effort in my work now as I have to succeed in this venture where I have placed all my 'chips' in as it would really shape the future years that comes by.
Here is ONE nice song that echoes in my heart every now and then....
Until I Find You Again - Richard Marx
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qJjKDGluoYg&feature=related
I have been telling myself day after day that there is always a BETTER TOMORROW, and it is not like the Hong Kong movie about gangsters, but really a BETTER TOMORROW. I lamented on a lot of what could have beens in the past but in reality, I have never been brave enough to face the UGLY REALITIES in life. Life is not all about love but we could not live without it too. For someone who is ONCE BITTEN TWICE SHY, I find it absolutely so difficult to give my heart to anyone without feeling the anxieties and insecurity as the past record has not been kind to me as many knows.
Not too sure why GOOD GUYS always finish last or get finished off so easily, but I guess that is an UGLY FACT which I have to learn to accept.
Through the years of courtship, never had I for once, taken the lust path into my courtship as I always believe that being a TRUE GENTLEMAN would prevail. How wrong I was? How naive I was? It was never gonna work that way as I found out in the years of courtships and in most cases, I never made it past HELLO. To me at that time, courtship was like a 3 step game: Aquaintance, Getting to know and Being together. Guess what through the years, I failed even in the first hurdle. Some say I am too ill equipped, too poorly poised, too dumb to read between the lines and etc..... The only thing that warms the heart was the time when someone accepted who I am without picking on my faults and defects. In all fairness, how many people actually spent a lifetime looking for the ONE for life? Lastly it is so so difficult as in reality, human beings are selfish beings, and not many I know that are selfless and willing to give it all.
At my age now, just passed the 40 year old mark and starting a new era in life, have really nothing much to look for actually. In reality, sometimes I wonder also what lies ahead in front of me to face. Used to love children and I never lost that affainity with children but I would have to give up having kids of my own as I have passed the critical age limit already. Done my mathematics and I surely would not wanna retire when I am 70 years old as I expect my energy level to drop drastically in the next 5 to 7 years before I reach 50 years old. Of course the other truth is that I am no longer half the man I used to be as I really would not know if the ammunitions in me work anymore. I of course have done my family some injustice as the bloodline may not be able to continue in me.
This days, I only looking for companionship, and some love too. But I am prepared to give a lot of concessions away as I am no longer young and that I, too, have a past which is best left buried and not to be dugged up. Will I find it? Will there be someone out there for me who is willing to live with me, and accept me as what I am? Sigh......sometimes love just ain't enough!
But till I write again, I just want to put all my energies and effort in my work now as I have to succeed in this venture where I have placed all my 'chips' in as it would really shape the future years that comes by.
Here is ONE nice song that echoes in my heart every now and then....
Until I Find You Again - Richard Marx
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qJjKDGluoYg&feature=related
Sunday, January 9, 2011
My Vacation - Bangkok 2011
Just back from my long awaited vacation, and the fact that it nearly did not materialised because of work commitments. In a way it makes this trip really super as once in my lifetime, I never let my work get in the way in my decision to go out there to enjoy myself.
While I was flying towards Bangkok, there was a lot of anxieties and worries that people will be looking for me, because of work. How true it was, as believe it or not, there was as many as 10 missed calls while I was on the plane.
Anyway, I went about my vacation and did some shopping, and some sightseeing too. I also went to experience the true Thai massage which left me feeling so light suddenly after bend here and crack there. I also did some 'cuci mata' and found myself a local guide (aka companion for the few days).
I must say, I really appreciate Thai hospitality and also their manners, which is definitely better than where I am from. So before I end, I'd just like to thank Ja for making my trip to Bangkok this time round such a great one.....
While I was flying towards Bangkok, there was a lot of anxieties and worries that people will be looking for me, because of work. How true it was, as believe it or not, there was as many as 10 missed calls while I was on the plane.
Anyway, I went about my vacation and did some shopping, and some sightseeing too. I also went to experience the true Thai massage which left me feeling so light suddenly after bend here and crack there. I also did some 'cuci mata' and found myself a local guide (aka companion for the few days).
I must say, I really appreciate Thai hospitality and also their manners, which is definitely better than where I am from. So before I end, I'd just like to thank Ja for making my trip to Bangkok this time round such a great one.....
Friday, January 7, 2011
Thoughts Of A Distraught Man.......
Sometimes it ain't really easy to share what's in our minds and in our heart, as in most cases, the people whom you shared with are the same ones who would unintentionally expose our thoughts. So for now, I believe I should be keep everything classified and file it into my "X files".
Of late, I had to overcome stress in my life, my work and also emotionally. I sometimes try to be someone who has no emotions and no feelings, and have resigned to fate that I am destined to be a loner for life. Truthfully, who am I trying to fool? Myself? As a Cancerian, it is so so difficult and in reality as a Cancerian who has so much feelings and emotions. Believing in ourselves has been sometimes a fault, because within me, I know it would not be easy for me to find the very person who would be the one for my life.
I have tried to believe that 'she' is out there but seriously sometimes I really don't know who I am trying to fool. Trying to be a gentleman and someone who is nice, and believing that it would reap some results. Ultimately THE UGLY TRUTH is that good guys always finish last but seriously, for now, I have at least a very good excuse today......affordability in relationships.
For now, I believe I am better off being Han Solo than the person I am actually......
Like Forrest Gump says....."stupid is as stupid does".....
Of late, I had to overcome stress in my life, my work and also emotionally. I sometimes try to be someone who has no emotions and no feelings, and have resigned to fate that I am destined to be a loner for life. Truthfully, who am I trying to fool? Myself? As a Cancerian, it is so so difficult and in reality as a Cancerian who has so much feelings and emotions. Believing in ourselves has been sometimes a fault, because within me, I know it would not be easy for me to find the very person who would be the one for my life.
I have tried to believe that 'she' is out there but seriously sometimes I really don't know who I am trying to fool. Trying to be a gentleman and someone who is nice, and believing that it would reap some results. Ultimately THE UGLY TRUTH is that good guys always finish last but seriously, for now, I have at least a very good excuse today......affordability in relationships.
For now, I believe I am better off being Han Solo than the person I am actually......
Like Forrest Gump says....."stupid is as stupid does".....
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Vacation ........ with a heavy heart
Well after 12 gruelling months of 'war' and 'battles' being fought at work and in the 'market', it really took its toll on me. I convinced myself with so much difficulties to take a break and go away for a while, maybe do something wild. This decision did not come easy as it would be always haunting me, what is happening in office? How is the business for the days when I was away? I guess ONE MAN really cannot make the difference.
Of course, this outing would also allow me to re-explore myself as it has been quite a 'boxed-in' feeling throughout the whole of 2010. So I would go all out and hang loose.
Re-charge the failing batteries within me too.....
Signing off from the land of smiles.
Of course, this outing would also allow me to re-explore myself as it has been quite a 'boxed-in' feeling throughout the whole of 2010. So I would go all out and hang loose.
Re-charge the failing batteries within me too.....
Signing off from the land of smiles.
Friday, December 24, 2010
Christmas 2010
Well, it is the time of the year where joy and companionships come in all forms. Yes, its Christmas again as time flies so quickly and the festive season which I never really appreciated comes by again.
This year surprisingly I have been so exhausted both physically and psychologically in my work that I hardly give it much thought. Of course, I still feel the isolation and the 'out of sorts' emotions.
Maybe as the years wear on, I will soon lose the very ability to feel anymore as I am so getting used to being alone.
Anyway.....Merry Christmas to all and a Happy New Year.
Signing off 2010....
This year surprisingly I have been so exhausted both physically and psychologically in my work that I hardly give it much thought. Of course, I still feel the isolation and the 'out of sorts' emotions.
Maybe as the years wear on, I will soon lose the very ability to feel anymore as I am so getting used to being alone.
Anyway.....Merry Christmas to all and a Happy New Year.
Signing off 2010....
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
What could have, should have and would have been?
Hello everyone,
It has been a long long time since I sat down in front of a terminal to start typing and sharing my thoughts, pouring out what is in my heart, baring my soul for all to see. In truth, I have been through one of the toughest periods of my life as I had to make some drastic decision which in time to come will affect me in the coming future. As the old childhood song once sang "Que sara sara, whatever will be will be, the future's not ours to see". Whatever the decision I make today, I will know if it is the right one or otherwise in the years to come.
As one of my Cancerian brothers used to say, Sam how come you are so different from a common Cancerian who needs love and companionship so importantly? Well, I could not simply answer him in a few simple words as sincerely it took a lot of sacrifices and determination to really undermine my emotions. Believe it or not, sometimes I do feel I am not the man I used to be as I find already so easy to accept simple things in life but not love. You ask me today what is love and what is 2 people being together feel like? I can only tell you that I really would not know as that feeling does not compute OR am I just fooling myself again?
Like todays title: What could have, should have and would have been? It is about my conclusive love life which span from the days when I was a teenager till the present day.
The person whom I'd consider that could have been my lifetime partner, was someone I have discussed in the past as I would say, she was the ONE who really made me feel really in love and miserable when she said goodbye TWICE.
The lady who I'd really consider all this time as the ONE who should have been someone for me for life, was my very first girlfriend and now I would consider her as my ex-wife. She came into my life, ending all my speculation and doubts that I would find true love. But then again, it is all "should have been" in the end as like sweet dreams that ends in a nightmare. "LOVE IS OVER" just like that, the "cut" was so deep and so real which I could even feel uneasiness thinking about it OR that the weapon who was used is still planted in my heart.
The woman, which I am about to mention now, is someone which at one stage in my life, I thought that she would have been the ONE for me and for the years to come. I had placed some hope that it would materialised but it was also of course with some contemplation as it was a LDR (long distance relationship). Knew her in the web and in the chatroom, met her in person in both my homeland and hers and that we spent some time together. I, at some stage, really wished that she would be the ONE and the final woman which I love in this lifetime.
At the very end, I sometimes wonder again, as I always do about life, love and relationships. The TRUTH about Sam is that HE CANNOT BE ALONE, HE WANTS TO BE LOVED, HE WANTS SOMEONE NEAR........but the UGLY TRUTH, which I have learnt to really accept is NO MONEY NO HONEY, and that is the real ugly realistic thing. Anyway, since now that I am beginning my journey into the twilight, and into the final run in my life where it is make or break. I guess I just have to live the rest of my life denying myself of love, relationship and the faintest of hope to find someone who would want to my soul companion till the end of my time.
Some people who knows me well always remembers the person who had lived his life negatively, and full of pessimism. In truth, if he had a choice would he had chosen a life like this over a life full of life and happiness.....
Just like one of favourite Mandarin duet song titled "男人.女人by 阿穆隆 许茹芸 " and in that song, there was a few lines which I believe I have lived it through a long long time now....."也曾经为爱憔悴,爱情里好人总比坏人狼狈"
Till love comes knocking at my door again......it is hello loneliness, goodbye love.
It has been a long long time since I sat down in front of a terminal to start typing and sharing my thoughts, pouring out what is in my heart, baring my soul for all to see. In truth, I have been through one of the toughest periods of my life as I had to make some drastic decision which in time to come will affect me in the coming future. As the old childhood song once sang "Que sara sara, whatever will be will be, the future's not ours to see". Whatever the decision I make today, I will know if it is the right one or otherwise in the years to come.
As one of my Cancerian brothers used to say, Sam how come you are so different from a common Cancerian who needs love and companionship so importantly? Well, I could not simply answer him in a few simple words as sincerely it took a lot of sacrifices and determination to really undermine my emotions. Believe it or not, sometimes I do feel I am not the man I used to be as I find already so easy to accept simple things in life but not love. You ask me today what is love and what is 2 people being together feel like? I can only tell you that I really would not know as that feeling does not compute OR am I just fooling myself again?
Like todays title: What could have, should have and would have been? It is about my conclusive love life which span from the days when I was a teenager till the present day.
The person whom I'd consider that could have been my lifetime partner, was someone I have discussed in the past as I would say, she was the ONE who really made me feel really in love and miserable when she said goodbye TWICE.
The lady who I'd really consider all this time as the ONE who should have been someone for me for life, was my very first girlfriend and now I would consider her as my ex-wife. She came into my life, ending all my speculation and doubts that I would find true love. But then again, it is all "should have been" in the end as like sweet dreams that ends in a nightmare. "LOVE IS OVER" just like that, the "cut" was so deep and so real which I could even feel uneasiness thinking about it OR that the weapon who was used is still planted in my heart.
The woman, which I am about to mention now, is someone which at one stage in my life, I thought that she would have been the ONE for me and for the years to come. I had placed some hope that it would materialised but it was also of course with some contemplation as it was a LDR (long distance relationship). Knew her in the web and in the chatroom, met her in person in both my homeland and hers and that we spent some time together. I, at some stage, really wished that she would be the ONE and the final woman which I love in this lifetime.
At the very end, I sometimes wonder again, as I always do about life, love and relationships. The TRUTH about Sam is that HE CANNOT BE ALONE, HE WANTS TO BE LOVED, HE WANTS SOMEONE NEAR........but the UGLY TRUTH, which I have learnt to really accept is NO MONEY NO HONEY, and that is the real ugly realistic thing. Anyway, since now that I am beginning my journey into the twilight, and into the final run in my life where it is make or break. I guess I just have to live the rest of my life denying myself of love, relationship and the faintest of hope to find someone who would want to my soul companion till the end of my time.
Some people who knows me well always remembers the person who had lived his life negatively, and full of pessimism. In truth, if he had a choice would he had chosen a life like this over a life full of life and happiness.....
Just like one of favourite Mandarin duet song titled "男人.女人by 阿穆隆 许茹芸 " and in that song, there was a few lines which I believe I have lived it through a long long time now....."也曾经为爱憔悴,爱情里好人总比坏人狼狈"
Till love comes knocking at my door again......it is hello loneliness, goodbye love.
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