Christmas 2011 & New Year 2012

Well, it is the time of year where there is joy and love all around, yes it is Christmas time and as it draws near. I could not help but to feel extremely down and hapless as I have always dreaded Christmas, and other festivities where people come together. This year is not going to be any different to me, as Christmas would be spent alone, and preferring to either stay at home or getting myself drunk. I remembered that in 2007 I made myself a promise to get myself a X'mas gift and I think I would actually get it finally this year. It is no special gift actually and nothing too fanciful too, as I am actually planning getting myself a GUITAR. Have not played since a long time, and wondering if I could play it again.

This days I have developed a phobia in going outdoors as I am always alone, and watching people come in groups of friends, or with their love ones. It really makes me wonder time and time again, am I really destined to be a loner or am I just too blind to see the people that's around me. Some have even asked me if my decision to stay in JB, was it a right one? I guessed they actually were concerned the fact that I am all alone in JB and if there is anything that happens to me, NO ONE would know. I have also gave it a lot of thought too about staying in JB as I have to weigh the pros and cons, to come out with the best rational reason for me to accept. But staying in Singapore becomes a real burden as cost of living was the main concern and also the fact that I have become very Malaysian makes it harder to adapt in Singapore. So many rules and regulations, and so stressful. I guess I will follow my heart and as the song title reflects "wherever I lay my hat that's my home". Actually I have actually made it myself in a way that I have set out initially like the Jay Chou song "一路向北" as I have no other dependants so really I could move as I wishes.

The coming new year 2012 would be an interesting year for me, as it also marks the 10th anniversary of my marriage failure. All would say that I should be on my way starting a new life but in truth, I have accepted ONE true fact as if ONE is fated to be a loner then so be it. There is practically nothing I could do to change this fact. Maybe I just want to mould myself into the role of the movie "初恋红豆冰" called BOTAK....who has so much to say to the one he loves/adores but he never did at the end.



Still wondering how to pass X'mas and New Year first before 2012.

Cheers all,