Confused State Of Mind

Well for those who have been reading my BLOG must be wondering what happened to Sam, and how come he has been so silent of late.
The reason is simple, Sam is confused and has tonnes of thoughts in his mind to straighten out. There are also issues which he must resolve within himself and around him.
I would say that I have been greatful of late because I have found someone whom I could meet on weekends, least better than staying home watching DVDs or simply doing nothing. The fact that she has been the one whom I have been meeting almost on every weekend, does that make her my interest.....YES and NO. The reason being that I enjoyed her company but am not too sure if she enjoys mine, but if not, how come are we meeting up almost every weekend right..... I am not too sure though but of course, I am not jumping into conclusion or making assumptions on this issue because I have made pretty bad calls in the past. Deep within me, I do wish of course that someone like her could be a part of my life for now.....
Just finished watching the show "The Ugly Truth" and it was hilarious. But it does have some similarity to that of the script "HITCH". I really want to know in reality why do good guys always end up in the wrong end of things especially in relationships.....I really wanna know.
Guessed everybody's life is like a movie script, it is written and pre-destined with twists in it that makes life somewhat interesting or otherwise listless.
Will update soonest.....

Lost In Thoughts

Guessed it has been quite a long time since I really sat down and written something that's in my head or even my heart. The reason being I am very confused right now as time was never enough for me in my work and that I have been torn in so many directions when it comes to my emotions. Though there were times that I may have felt I could have found someone for life but then the opposite thing occurred as it does not appears to be so. So what's next for me......

Though it has been like over 6 years since I walked away from my failed marriage but to be frank, the wound is still fresh and that I guessed it never recovered from it at all. Who ever says it would be easy to heal a wound that's deep and for someone like me....it would be a lie to say that I had laughed it all off.

I may have resisted myself in so many ways not to let my desperation out cause it is never easy to cope with the loneliness. I withheld all of a man's natural instincts for too long to a point that it is so suppressed and I believe that it would be really difficult to re-activate them again. Driving myself into my work with all my heart and soul is something I have been doing to ensure that I would not drift away and think about love and relationships again. It is something I think for now is the best thing for me to do.

Age is now a barrier for me as I am not getting no younger and that the energy levels were never of that 10 years ago. Hated to admit finally I have aged and at the rate which is faster than many. The heart within me has shown signs of lethargy from time to time, and even emotions too.

Watching the movie "hitch" again, it really made me feel like Alex Hitchens in the movie because I always make thing happen for people but never once considering an option for myself. Am I a fool? Am I an Idiot? Am I just too dumb to come forward? The answers I could not answer myself but the fact that my courage to come forward has diminished as maybe it is just me who is just too afraid to accept another rejection. Some would say I am just lack of confidence and self belief. Would it help even if I have both? I would not think so because let the record shows, ONE success (my ex-wife) in that many years in attempting to find a companion. It is like being the game of soccer where you have all the elements to win games but you are losing every one of them and bottom of the league. Gosh.....it really brings someone who maybe strong within into becoming someone who no longer believes he can do it. I really don't know what more I could do.....or should I just wait it out.....should I just accept fate?

I wanna share my life, my love and my all with someone who will do the same too.......but I guess that's just too much to ask for already.....

Until the day, she comes along........I shall be and always be another lone crusader.

Que sara sara

Remembering this little song, Que Sara Sara, suddenly it allows me to come to terms with one thing....as sang in the song: What will be, will be.
The thought today for me is that what should have been, may not be what it seems at the end. Whereas what it could never be, may turn out to be....what is the rationale then behind such contrasting events. I am puzzled somewhat but nonetheless, if I do have it my way, what will be then it will always be.
As I have always tried to be "a gentleman" forever but its always the "beast" that beats me clean. OR is the Chinese saying: If men is not bad, women would never love 'em. Guess if there's the case then men like me should either transform to be the BEAST or to be left out in the end.
I have always have the simplest of choices and wishes and believing that good begets good. Unfortunately I have not seen the goodness in return but I have not caved in to evolved into someone I am not. I strongly believe that someday, someone out there would appreciate the person in me....but is this belief running thin.....after years of failures and rejections. I hope not.
But after turning 40, the largest turning point of my life is the fact that I am alone and I am OK with it.....of course the hope (the flame within me) to find the elusive someone for life has not been subdued.
Guess my wish for being 40 is to find someone ..... someone who would accept the man I am or what's left of it.

The NEW Frontier - 40 years as a person

As the days draw nearer to which I will be 40 years old, I cannot help but recall back to the days when how much I had wished to be 40 real soon. So many things had happened between then and now, and that some had shaped my life and some had its adverse effects on my life.
Believe it or not, the biggest relief between now and then was the fact that I had broken free from the fear of my father who had in the past, casted a fearful figure in me which made me rather timid. After living with the fear for so many years, I felt relieved and that the weight that had weighed heavily in my heart has evaporated. What a great relieve indeed.
To me now, the greatest thing that is missing is 'the feeling of being loved by the one whom I would spend the rest of my life with'. I guess it must be something I have asked for many years and times but has been turned away. I really wondered in life, there is not a thing I hhad not seen or been through. DEATH is the last fear I had because I have come to terms with it because in reality, I have seen a fair share of my friends come and gone.
Today as I sat here writing this blog, I made a little prayer to GOD and hope that he could really understand what I feel or felt. I never want to brag about what a gentleman I was or am today and then but least I try my best to uphold the righteousness of a human respecting another. Again, I have to say that I cannot expect anything to come out it as it had never did......sigh.

I guess that's pretty much life on a whole as it was never meant to be FAIR.

How Do You Know That You Like Someone

Well judging from the title of this blog is yet about another moment of our life where we ask ourselves ....how do we know as an individual that the person we know is someone we like?

To be frank, if you ask me many years ago, I'd probably have lots to tell you and that is very true. When I was younger then, if there is one particular girl I like comes along. I would have a lot of thoughts and emotions going around me such as even butterflies in the tummy, exciteness, bashfulness and of course, increased heartbeats too.....just to name a few. Mainly because when I was a teenager, I had very few opportunity to be with a girl or even should I say that I never had a girlfriend. Thus, it would be natural for me to feel inexperience and also not knowing what to do....even the girl liked me or something. I was regarded by many of my buddies as a dummy as I exercise a great deal of restraints and discipline, and that I was too conservative. Maybe it was a good thing then or not, I am not sure but least of all that I had lived my teenage years without regret, remorse or even guilt as I have done nothing wrong.

This days after so many years had passed and of course a failed marriage, I have found it very hard and difficult to raise the emotions again. Even telling someone 'I like you' is very hard and most of the times I get tongue-tied, or unless I am a little tipsy maybe it is easier. Nevertheless, I really wonder in the years to come.....would I be another lonely soul? I hate to end it all this way but do I really have a choice.

I just wanted to find someone whom I could share my ups and downs with and of course, so will I to share her ups and downs too. But it ain't really easy, or maybe because I got 'burnt' too badly after my marriage failed that the phobia remains. I guess the truth is I cannot take another blow in relationship anymore. Maybe its too premature to say or live with it, deep within, there is some faint hope that there may be someone out there waiting for me........

Here's another of my songs which I wrote on a cantonese hit:-

Yesterday's Love - Sam Kong

Verse 1
Why do you choose to leave
When our love has just begun
Now that you are gone
My life would simply fall apart

Verse 2
What can I say to you
To change your mind from leaving
Now that you are gone
I just couldn't live another day

Chorus:
In the day, it seems so hard to past
In the night, it is so cold
Now that I face the world all alone
What would happen to me

Verse 3
Someday you will see
That our love was just history
Say you'll stay
I will give you all the love you need

Music : Sam Hui (天才白痴往日情)
Lyrics : Sam Kong (14.2.1989)

The Love In Sam's Life

There is an old saying....'Behind the success of a man, there is a woman'. How true it can be but as one of Sir Issac Newton's theories proven, 'behind the failure of a man, there is also a woman'. How ideal is that? Only those who had been there will know, as for me, I am nowhere close to either side of the story.


Looking back in time...bringing myself back to the early 80's where I was into my teens, I could recall every girl who I have had some kind of affection for but it is now merely serves as a memory (or should I say excess memory). If someone actually asks me, how many girls did actually engrave herself deeply within me? I really could not answer without giving it much of a thought as it is not that I had too many girls to recall instead it was too few to actually think that some of them actually left her mark in me.

I'd be brave enough to say there were 4 girls who actually left some form of image, memory and feelings within me. From the 4 of them there were 2 from the same school....River Valley High (1982 to 1985). First there was someone by the name of Clarina Chay, who I felt quite strongly for but we did not work out because of our indifference in beliefs and religion. The 2nd girl from River Valley High too is Jennifer Chong, she came into my life back in Mar 1985 until Oct 1985 and again on Jan 1988 till July 1988. Jennifer was the one which I felt then, the strongest as I never did gave up hope on her but all efforts were in vain. The 3rd girl which I am about to mention here should have been mentioned first, but I guess it was more of the truth that she did actually help me up in my darkest hour as a teenager then, her name was Tan Poh Har. Now coming to the last one, I will not mention her name as she was to be my first girlfriend, and became my wife and now she is my ex-wife. I gave her my everything and in expection of nothing of the extra-ordinary but it did not work out in the end. I blamed no one but myself mostly, though the hurt is very evident and it shall remain as long as I am alive.

In all fairness, sometimes it is so difficult to project our feelings to someone.....without the constant fear of being misunderstood. I have had so many bad experiences and it is like so many that I practically can 'smell' it. I pray and pray....someone who would understand my thoughts, beliefs and of course, believe in me.

Till I write again....remember, LOVE IS BLIND but the person in it ain't

Man & Woman

Everyone knows that it is impossible for a man to really love without a woman, and it could also be the same the other way round too. Nonetheless, is it a known fact that when a man is with a woman, there must be physical intimacy....well maybe so, but not at the very beginning of their aquaintance. I have never believed that SEX should be the key to a successful relationship in fact, I have even doubts that once SEX comes between a relationship, it would end in a flash.

Maybe I am too old-fashioned in mindset and in beliefs but I have preached and abide by the GOLDEN RULES which I have set for myself since I was very young. To be frank, many would have said I am a FOOL but to me, my conscience is CRYSTAL CLEAR.

Just the other day (Saturday), I was out with a lady friend. I have known her for a while but I kept my distance as I do not want to ruin everything but expressing myself to early or coming on too strong. I kept my end of the bargain by being a Gentleman as always, and have been this way for years. I believe that is the best policy. "Banging" all over the place doesn't mean a thing as in the past, I used to have friends who'd share their stories, when intoxicated with alcohol, about their 'trophies' and the greatness of their 'bang bang'. I ignored those kind of behaviour and disregard that as ethical or right. I think its always important to be clear of our intentions and as noble as they were, the intentions should remain as it is and not to be corrupted by LUST.

I always like movies of great script and humour, perhaps I would like to share ONE such movie with all .... who may be able to understand what I feel or go through.....

In all fairness, I may not be the softness in communications as HITCH....but least I have a HEART.