Hello Loneliness, Goodbye Love

I am not too sure of late that I have so much to say and it had to be spelt out so spontaneously. It is really puzzling indeed as it just not me of late. Maybe it is just another of those days where I am down with an emotional breakdown.

Just finished another old movie, usually more like a re-run, but tonight I was watching "Turn left, turn right" starring Gigi Leung & Takeshi. It is another of those romantic movies with a light hearted approach. As I was watching the movie, at certain parts of it....I could my heart suddenly felt like it is so heavy and burdened. I tried to understand the feelings of the moment and then like a flash, it popped right out.....tears slowly began to appear at the edges of my eyes as the show was like coming to the end. The tears became uncontrollable instantly......I have not felt this way since the late 80's while watching a tear jerker "A Family Affair" starring Sam Hui & Olivia Cheng.

Suddenly it occurs to me......damn I still have feelings...and I am lonely now and in need of someone to fill the void in my life. I guess wanting something and fated to have something is really TWO different results at the very end. Spent almost my entire teenage years protecting the ONE thing which many have failed to appreciate: The essence between a man and a woman. The essence between a man and a woman is not purely all about sex, physical explorations and exploitations (to a certain extent) instead, it is the growth between the two which involves emotional, psychological and spiritual. Anyway whatever my beliefs were and whatever the outcome which I had wished for.....never materialised.

Spending year after year....looking for the ONE person who would complete me. Thought I had it ....I really believed I had found the ultimate person for life, my ex-wife (who happen to be my very 1st girlfriend). There was no word in the dictionary which could describe how I feel when my marriage collapsed and failed, even the word devastated was not strong enough. Battered and beaten after 7 years....believing in the true human spirit that any one person could not be written off.....and will change with the ever changing environment. HOW FOOLISH I WAS? HOW NAIVE I WAS THEN? As the saying goes, a leopard never changes its spots.....sigh.

Today, if ever I am asked the ONE true question, WOULD I EVER FALL IN LOVE AGAIN? I really don't know what I would answer, as my heart is surely and definitely is too weak to take another setback. OR maybe I should take the easy way out....by burying all my emotions and tell myself I am destined to be alone or more like a hermit.

To give myself totally no chance at all now, is really the only thing that would spare me yet another heartbreak. But to tell myself that I have lost all my feelings and now virtually is emotionless, that is BULLSHIT. I am a CANCERIAN, and CANCERIAN people are mostly SUCKERS for LOVE, but some say that I am different. The truth is it is all camouflage and it is not that I don't feel anymore, instead the fear of being rejected gives me the ability to encase all my feelings and emotions.

A week ago....I had the weirdest of all dreams too....I was like sentenced to death by lethal injection, the dream was so true and real as I could feel the needle as it was inserted into me. Then in a flash, I died as I was injected with lethal poison. Not too sure why I had this kinda dream. Sometimes I do wonder if it is also true that if the will of person is wearing thin, then gradually he/she would have no zest left in life or what remains of it.

I try so hard to tell myself I do not have feelings anymore and that I will not commit it to anyone again....well I did fail tragically in the controlling the tears when it matters but I believe I held my ground enough to not give anything to anyone away.

This maybe the most I have said about how I feel for a while....not too sure when I would write something like this again.....best not to....very boring to read for many (more like complaining about things around me than feelings),

Cheers everyone......