It has been such a long while since I "let fly what's bothering me in my heart" and the reason is simple as I have found some form of serenity when I re-married again back in 2013.
In my years working, I was constantly referred to as an ARROGANT person and truth is I am, for all the right and wrong reasons. No matter what is the situation, normally I would fight back against anything or anyone who "steps on feet or cross my turf".
At some point in time, I became so over my head that I became everybody's enemy but my own and situation was getting bad to worst. Then I stopped and re-evaluate my life, as I gradually learnt to calm down and observe things from another prospective. It was not easy but gradually with lots of difficulty (within me) I had to make a change.
After the gradual reform, I felt better internally as I breathe better and the heart was not that heavy as before though I am faced with the usual crap at work. Sometimes even a nice guy have to become a meaner person than before cause in truth "good guys always finish last OR even not at all"
Sometimes I really wonder does it help to be a nice guy in my industry, the answer is NO as at the end of the day, it is all about interests and things doesn't go well people would resort to back-stab and malign you.
How about silence? Does being silent means well? The answer is YES / NO as some would assume that our silence is our weakness, it could get worst or for the better but in most cases it would just get worst. The 'assaults' or 'insults' would just keep on coming as they would feel that they have the upper hand without considering the fact that people keeps silent just to avoid confrontation and misunderstanding.
So I really wonder does age really change us all?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L-JQ1q-13Ek
Friday, October 5, 2018
Sunday, April 8, 2012
Monday, January 2, 2012
The aftermath of Christmas & New Year
Well, today is the 2nd January 2012. The very 2nd day of the new year and I am at a cafe alone, surfing net and playing some Haonline games. Recollecting the events that passed me by as there were 2 festive holidays which to me, has come and gone.
Christmas 2011 came and went by, like a flash as I spent the Christmas eve resting as I had a heck of day followed by being stuck in a massive jam before returning home. I guess the massive jam has drained me out as it was like 4 hours, as I was stuck in my car hungry, thirsty and a little heavy in the bowel. After reaching home, totally flat out I went for a quick shower to hope to freshen up. But just after the shower, I just dropped 'dead' and slept like a log as even when my mobile rang, I could not hear it. I finally got up just before the countdown to Christmas day but since I had nowhere to go and that I was also very hungry, so I went for my dinner at the regular indian coffeeshop. But the fact that there was nowhere interesting for me to go, as the usual practice is to go to a pub and countdown alone. This year I wanna have a difference and decided against it. On both Christmas and Boxing day, I spent most of my time preparing the new price list for 2012 and also sourcing for some new items which I am gonna do some campaigns. Then came Tuesday which I am so happy to be back to work finally.
New Year's eve and day also came and went, as I was working in office on New Year's eve till mid afternoon. I was so relieved to have completed the price list entry to the system by then. Knowingly I had an appointment later in the day, I rested a little in Singapore instead of heading back to JB. I went to my friend's place for a New Year gathering and some was really surprised to see my pressence as I was always the 'Invisible Man' because I always never turn up for this kinda gatherings. Had a little wine and food, and a mahjong session then I am off home around 3 in the morning. Though I was extremely tired, I was also relieved that most of the guys there was asking me of my well-being and also the dreaded question of whether have I found someone new for life. I guess it's because they cared and knowingly that I am not the type of guy who can be alone for long periods.
Some even ask me what is my resolution for 2012. I really don't know what to tell them. Every year I would make some resolutions but only those related to work that had not disappointed me, as those made about love and relationships were the ones that was best left unspoken for. At the end of the day, I think I am better off right focusing all my efforts on my work which brings me more satisfaction instead of looking for miseries sorting out love.
Someone did tell me if I were to make the effort to look better to lose a whole lot of weight and with a clean cut, that may help enhence my chances to achieve some success in relationships or the least a better than average chance to know more ladies. I think my friend is right, in most instance but in truth, I hardly have time to mingle as most of the time I am spending on working or with my boss, entertaining customers. Thus, the only women which I am often in contact with are those working in a pub or a club....but not from the normal working class. Anyway the encouragement I got from this friend is really heart warming.
For 2012, I only wish to see that I have a new colleague which I hope to come by Feb 2012 so that I could be relieved of a lot of local duties and that I could focus on my export sales and business development. Of course with the arrival of the new colleague, I may be able to take a short vacation, either to Thailand, Hong Kong, Macau or Australia. All plans are on the boards now....Que Sera Sera...what will be will be!
Saturday, December 17, 2011
Christmas 2011 & New Year 2012
Well, it is the time of year where there is joy and love all around, yes it is Christmas time and as it draws near. I could not help but to feel extremely down and hapless as I have always dreaded Christmas, and other festivities where people come together. This year is not going to be any different to me, as Christmas would be spent alone, and preferring to either stay at home or getting myself drunk. I remembered that in 2007 I made myself a promise to get myself a X'mas gift and I think I would actually get it finally this year. It is no special gift actually and nothing too fanciful too, as I am actually planning getting myself a GUITAR. Have not played since a long time, and wondering if I could play it again.
This days I have developed a phobia in going outdoors as I am always alone, and watching people come in groups of friends, or with their love ones. It really makes me wonder time and time again, am I really destined to be a loner or am I just too blind to see the people that's around me. Some have even asked me if my decision to stay in JB, was it a right one? I guessed they actually were concerned the fact that I am all alone in JB and if there is anything that happens to me, NO ONE would know. I have also gave it a lot of thought too about staying in JB as I have to weigh the pros and cons, to come out with the best rational reason for me to accept. But staying in Singapore becomes a real burden as cost of living was the main concern and also the fact that I have become very Malaysian makes it harder to adapt in Singapore. So many rules and regulations, and so stressful. I guess I will follow my heart and as the song title reflects "wherever I lay my hat that's my home". Actually I have actually made it myself in a way that I have set out initially like the Jay Chou song "一路向北" as I have no other dependants so really I could move as I wishes.
The coming new year 2012 would be an interesting year for me, as it also marks the 10th anniversary of my marriage failure. All would say that I should be on my way starting a new life but in truth, I have accepted ONE true fact as if ONE is fated to be a loner then so be it. There is practically nothing I could do to change this fact. Maybe I just want to mould myself into the role of the movie "初恋红豆冰" called BOTAK....who has so much to say to the one he loves/adores but he never did at the end.
Still wondering how to pass X'mas and New Year first before 2012.
Cheers all,
This days I have developed a phobia in going outdoors as I am always alone, and watching people come in groups of friends, or with their love ones. It really makes me wonder time and time again, am I really destined to be a loner or am I just too blind to see the people that's around me. Some have even asked me if my decision to stay in JB, was it a right one? I guessed they actually were concerned the fact that I am all alone in JB and if there is anything that happens to me, NO ONE would know. I have also gave it a lot of thought too about staying in JB as I have to weigh the pros and cons, to come out with the best rational reason for me to accept. But staying in Singapore becomes a real burden as cost of living was the main concern and also the fact that I have become very Malaysian makes it harder to adapt in Singapore. So many rules and regulations, and so stressful. I guess I will follow my heart and as the song title reflects "wherever I lay my hat that's my home". Actually I have actually made it myself in a way that I have set out initially like the Jay Chou song "一路向北" as I have no other dependants so really I could move as I wishes.
The coming new year 2012 would be an interesting year for me, as it also marks the 10th anniversary of my marriage failure. All would say that I should be on my way starting a new life but in truth, I have accepted ONE true fact as if ONE is fated to be a loner then so be it. There is practically nothing I could do to change this fact. Maybe I just want to mould myself into the role of the movie "初恋红豆冰" called BOTAK....who has so much to say to the one he loves/adores but he never did at the end.
Still wondering how to pass X'mas and New Year first before 2012.
Cheers all,
Saturday, October 8, 2011
Life, Love & Livelihood
It's rather apparently quite hilarous sometimes when I read back what I have written in the past blogs and found basically one very common thing.....the grumbles of an aging old man. In truth sometimes I guess this is the only way I could really let my heart go and express whatever I feel deep deep within. Since in reality, how many would accept the truth, the very truth gracefully, without denial and without resistance. NONE!!!
As a human being living in this mortal world for as long as I could remember, but in truth sometimes I really wonder what is purpose of my sole existence as I really see no relevence nor deed. I lead a life which many would not wanna lead as it is no doubt not as bad a beggar but it ain't rosy at all because without the grit and will to live, guess not many would have made it thus far.
If ever someone ask me how life was for me, over the entire 40 over years? I always say that I am just glad to be alive still...and that wondering everyday, when will my time come? I have had a mediocre life from young and it's really better off than many but of course, it ain't the best. I would also like to thank my parents for allowing me to lead an independant life as I was never a sheltered kid. I had my falls and have been badly 'burnt' in life with poor judgement of character and an indiscipline in finance control. But all of those shaped and moulded me to be wiser and careful. This days though life is so so, financially I am quite conservative and skeptical when it comes to spending, nonetheless I am just glad I finally learnt my lesson about self control and more....not only with money and with my emotions. I know jolly well through the years of courtships and failed relationships, which also included a failed marriage. The years of failure in relationships really put my drain for me in my confidence and also the fear of giving my heart away has grown to a point where even personally I really cannot contemplate.
This days when people ask me if I do feel lonely? It is now a question which I constantly dodge because everyone around me knows, I have been alone since my marriage failed in 2003 and even before that I was never a lady's man, not too many lady companions in my life. Spending most of times wondering where I have went wrong in all the failed courtships have left me believing that I will never be good enough for any woman at all, resigning to fate that I may have to spend my final days pretty much all by myself. Sometimes I am also not too sure is it me, who have become too numb to love someone again or am I just too afraid of being hurt again? OR this days I would lie to myself convincingly that I cannot afford a relationship...and it has worked for now and for the last 3 years or so. I used to very conservative and quite hypocritical about the woman I woe, but years passed and that I have relaxed the conditions which I could accept all terms and conditions, and even to the point where the lady was previously married and had a kid with her. Till today, with such laxed conditions and criterias, I am still find myself being turned away and rejected. Guessed what I think today is right, better off being alone than courting for more heartaches.
Work is now my best friend irregardless how exhausted or how miserable I feel at the end of the day, I know that WORK is my last resort where I will find self actualisation and joy. Least it does not hurt me as much as it does with relationships....Of course, I do place a little hope that maybe someday someone would walk into my life...for now. Guessed that's all I have to say for now...until then...stay tuned to the grumbles of an old fool.
As a human being living in this mortal world for as long as I could remember, but in truth sometimes I really wonder what is purpose of my sole existence as I really see no relevence nor deed. I lead a life which many would not wanna lead as it is no doubt not as bad a beggar but it ain't rosy at all because without the grit and will to live, guess not many would have made it thus far.
If ever someone ask me how life was for me, over the entire 40 over years? I always say that I am just glad to be alive still...and that wondering everyday, when will my time come? I have had a mediocre life from young and it's really better off than many but of course, it ain't the best. I would also like to thank my parents for allowing me to lead an independant life as I was never a sheltered kid. I had my falls and have been badly 'burnt' in life with poor judgement of character and an indiscipline in finance control. But all of those shaped and moulded me to be wiser and careful. This days though life is so so, financially I am quite conservative and skeptical when it comes to spending, nonetheless I am just glad I finally learnt my lesson about self control and more....not only with money and with my emotions. I know jolly well through the years of courtships and failed relationships, which also included a failed marriage. The years of failure in relationships really put my drain for me in my confidence and also the fear of giving my heart away has grown to a point where even personally I really cannot contemplate.
This days when people ask me if I do feel lonely? It is now a question which I constantly dodge because everyone around me knows, I have been alone since my marriage failed in 2003 and even before that I was never a lady's man, not too many lady companions in my life. Spending most of times wondering where I have went wrong in all the failed courtships have left me believing that I will never be good enough for any woman at all, resigning to fate that I may have to spend my final days pretty much all by myself. Sometimes I am also not too sure is it me, who have become too numb to love someone again or am I just too afraid of being hurt again? OR this days I would lie to myself convincingly that I cannot afford a relationship...and it has worked for now and for the last 3 years or so. I used to very conservative and quite hypocritical about the woman I woe, but years passed and that I have relaxed the conditions which I could accept all terms and conditions, and even to the point where the lady was previously married and had a kid with her. Till today, with such laxed conditions and criterias, I am still find myself being turned away and rejected. Guessed what I think today is right, better off being alone than courting for more heartaches.
Work is now my best friend irregardless how exhausted or how miserable I feel at the end of the day, I know that WORK is my last resort where I will find self actualisation and joy. Least it does not hurt me as much as it does with relationships....Of course, I do place a little hope that maybe someday someone would walk into my life...for now. Guessed that's all I have to say for now...until then...stay tuned to the grumbles of an old fool.
Saturday, July 9, 2011
Thoughts after being officially 42 years old
I have recieved feedback on my blog that some have read it and really found that I am very "blue" or that I really don't see there is any light at the end of the path I am taking. They are so right and that is a reality which I would not want to hide anymore. Seriously sometimes I do wonder what is my sole purpose in the mortal world.
I have resisted in so many ways in recent times to ever think of relationships and love. It is really something which I realised that if I put it all to rest, maybe I could find some form of peace and not feel hurt at all. Is it really easy thing to thing to do or put into practice? The truth....it is more difficult than asking me to take a bullet or poison. I am a goddamn Cancerian, who have so much feelings and emotions though I can be also very sensitive and passionate. In truth that as I have so hurt in terms of confidence and also in my heart, it is also very hard to find someone to give my love to OR even looking for someone who'd accept me as what I am the least, is already a task which I consider even harder that for me to scale Mount Everest.
Recently I celebrated my 42nd birthday, pretty much all by myself although I was joined by my staff but I guess it could have been better OR worst for that fact. I really was not looking for some hot date or something exotic. Truth is that I do feel lonely (though I maybe smiling and laughing all night).
Anyway, though my efforts to suppress my feelings and also for people (women around me) especially. I would have said it is a disaster because I have started to have some form of liking for someone which I know I would never stand a chance at all. Then why do I wanna feel so miserable? I cannot answer even myself today but then again I am trying also very hard to 'kill it' and in vain.
I do hope the next time I would write something good and bright on my next post.
Sam
I have resisted in so many ways in recent times to ever think of relationships and love. It is really something which I realised that if I put it all to rest, maybe I could find some form of peace and not feel hurt at all. Is it really easy thing to thing to do or put into practice? The truth....it is more difficult than asking me to take a bullet or poison. I am a goddamn Cancerian, who have so much feelings and emotions though I can be also very sensitive and passionate. In truth that as I have so hurt in terms of confidence and also in my heart, it is also very hard to find someone to give my love to OR even looking for someone who'd accept me as what I am the least, is already a task which I consider even harder that for me to scale Mount Everest.
Recently I celebrated my 42nd birthday, pretty much all by myself although I was joined by my staff but I guess it could have been better OR worst for that fact. I really was not looking for some hot date or something exotic. Truth is that I do feel lonely (though I maybe smiling and laughing all night).
Anyway, though my efforts to suppress my feelings and also for people (women around me) especially. I would have said it is a disaster because I have started to have some form of liking for someone which I know I would never stand a chance at all. Then why do I wanna feel so miserable? I cannot answer even myself today but then again I am trying also very hard to 'kill it' and in vain.
I do hope the next time I would write something good and bright on my next post.
Sam
Thursday, May 26, 2011
State of uncertainty
Really has been a long while since I last sat down in front of a PC and start to empty my thoughts. Empty my thoughts....would it be possible? What shall I remove first? Work thoughts, life thoughts, financial thoughts or things about love and companionship.
Seriously for me, till date, I hate to accept the fact that I am a lousy liar especially to myself. The fact that I kept telling myself I am OK and you are OK just to appease myself, worked for a while indeed but lately it has started to show signs that it is not gonna work for long. What's next? Sincerely I really don't know what I am gonna do when all the lies to make me feel ok is exhausted....how am I going to convince myself then.
The saddest truth till date that I fail to accept is that "Good guys hardly finish first" but the true metaphor is that "GOOD GUYS NEVER FINISH AT ALL" as they would be likely dumped, jilted or gets cheated at the end before even being in a relationship with the lady of his dreams/desire. The reality check is that it is never easy to be a gentleman or a good guy because most of the times, the women we encountered have had bad experiences in relationships already. Thus it makes it even more difficult to even try to be reassuring.
Just watched the movie "HITCH" again, most would wonder why am I watching this movie again and again. The fact that the character Alex Hitchens, played by Will Smith, really resembles slightly of what I have been through. In truth as mentioned in the movie....No Guile, No Game, No Girl. I believe how true it is this days as it would be impossible to go to someone who you think is nice and tell her, you like her and would like to get to know her better....and not to be mistaken by her at the end as she may think that you are someone who is looking for someone to be laid. How ugly the reality is? It kinda like bites you in the arse when even the intentions you have for her is true and noble.
This days for me, I just want to live day by day...working my socks off, burning myself out daily so that I would not have the zest nor the energy to think about as the only thought I have then is to "re-charge my batteries".
I would like to share this wonderful song to show everyone....how I would feel for the one I love....and ....sigh
More Than Just The Two Of Us - Sneakers (1983)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xPX0i9M1RHI
Seriously for me, till date, I hate to accept the fact that I am a lousy liar especially to myself. The fact that I kept telling myself I am OK and you are OK just to appease myself, worked for a while indeed but lately it has started to show signs that it is not gonna work for long. What's next? Sincerely I really don't know what I am gonna do when all the lies to make me feel ok is exhausted....how am I going to convince myself then.
The saddest truth till date that I fail to accept is that "Good guys hardly finish first" but the true metaphor is that "GOOD GUYS NEVER FINISH AT ALL" as they would be likely dumped, jilted or gets cheated at the end before even being in a relationship with the lady of his dreams/desire. The reality check is that it is never easy to be a gentleman or a good guy because most of the times, the women we encountered have had bad experiences in relationships already. Thus it makes it even more difficult to even try to be reassuring.
Just watched the movie "HITCH" again, most would wonder why am I watching this movie again and again. The fact that the character Alex Hitchens, played by Will Smith, really resembles slightly of what I have been through. In truth as mentioned in the movie....No Guile, No Game, No Girl. I believe how true it is this days as it would be impossible to go to someone who you think is nice and tell her, you like her and would like to get to know her better....and not to be mistaken by her at the end as she may think that you are someone who is looking for someone to be laid. How ugly the reality is? It kinda like bites you in the arse when even the intentions you have for her is true and noble.
This days for me, I just want to live day by day...working my socks off, burning myself out daily so that I would not have the zest nor the energy to think about as the only thought I have then is to "re-charge my batteries".
I would like to share this wonderful song to show everyone....how I would feel for the one I love....and ....sigh
More Than Just The Two Of Us - Sneakers (1983)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xPX0i9M1RHI
Sunday, April 17, 2011
The Ugly Truth
Well it has been over 2 months now since I last added something here, and as time passed I do find it rather difficult to bring myself to spill my guts out here. The truth is that who is reading what I write here, and how many could ever understand how I actually feel.
I have written song lyrics before to express how I feel in my heart but now, I am trying to convince myself to do something bigger and larger as I have thought of writing a script (for a movie or a book). I have 3 people already in my mind till date but it could have been more but guessed the 3 people would be good enough. Though I have not actually started work on the script but I have a good idea how the script should run. The 1st Chapter would be THE MEETING and I would place the draft copy here once it has been completed.
For now, and for me, it is work and more work and stress.....with all the burden now emplaced on my shoulders....sigh
Till I write again....
Tata
I have written song lyrics before to express how I feel in my heart but now, I am trying to convince myself to do something bigger and larger as I have thought of writing a script (for a movie or a book). I have 3 people already in my mind till date but it could have been more but guessed the 3 people would be good enough. Though I have not actually started work on the script but I have a good idea how the script should run. The 1st Chapter would be THE MEETING and I would place the draft copy here once it has been completed.
For now, and for me, it is work and more work and stress.....with all the burden now emplaced on my shoulders....sigh
Till I write again....
Tata
Monday, February 7, 2011
Life Beyond 40 and Love
Been doing a lot of thinking of late as I reflect on my life now and the years that went by, and I realised that other than work which gives me some form of joy, there is just nothing much that really makes me feel complete.
I have been telling myself day after day that there is always a BETTER TOMORROW, and it is not like the Hong Kong movie about gangsters, but really a BETTER TOMORROW. I lamented on a lot of what could have beens in the past but in reality, I have never been brave enough to face the UGLY REALITIES in life. Life is not all about love but we could not live without it too. For someone who is ONCE BITTEN TWICE SHY, I find it absolutely so difficult to give my heart to anyone without feeling the anxieties and insecurity as the past record has not been kind to me as many knows.
Not too sure why GOOD GUYS always finish last or get finished off so easily, but I guess that is an UGLY FACT which I have to learn to accept.
Through the years of courtship, never had I for once, taken the lust path into my courtship as I always believe that being a TRUE GENTLEMAN would prevail. How wrong I was? How naive I was? It was never gonna work that way as I found out in the years of courtships and in most cases, I never made it past HELLO. To me at that time, courtship was like a 3 step game: Aquaintance, Getting to know and Being together. Guess what through the years, I failed even in the first hurdle. Some say I am too ill equipped, too poorly poised, too dumb to read between the lines and etc..... The only thing that warms the heart was the time when someone accepted who I am without picking on my faults and defects. In all fairness, how many people actually spent a lifetime looking for the ONE for life? Lastly it is so so difficult as in reality, human beings are selfish beings, and not many I know that are selfless and willing to give it all.
At my age now, just passed the 40 year old mark and starting a new era in life, have really nothing much to look for actually. In reality, sometimes I wonder also what lies ahead in front of me to face. Used to love children and I never lost that affainity with children but I would have to give up having kids of my own as I have passed the critical age limit already. Done my mathematics and I surely would not wanna retire when I am 70 years old as I expect my energy level to drop drastically in the next 5 to 7 years before I reach 50 years old. Of course the other truth is that I am no longer half the man I used to be as I really would not know if the ammunitions in me work anymore. I of course have done my family some injustice as the bloodline may not be able to continue in me.
This days, I only looking for companionship, and some love too. But I am prepared to give a lot of concessions away as I am no longer young and that I, too, have a past which is best left buried and not to be dugged up. Will I find it? Will there be someone out there for me who is willing to live with me, and accept me as what I am? Sigh......sometimes love just ain't enough!
But till I write again, I just want to put all my energies and effort in my work now as I have to succeed in this venture where I have placed all my 'chips' in as it would really shape the future years that comes by.
Here is ONE nice song that echoes in my heart every now and then....
Until I Find You Again - Richard Marx
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qJjKDGluoYg&feature=related
I have been telling myself day after day that there is always a BETTER TOMORROW, and it is not like the Hong Kong movie about gangsters, but really a BETTER TOMORROW. I lamented on a lot of what could have beens in the past but in reality, I have never been brave enough to face the UGLY REALITIES in life. Life is not all about love but we could not live without it too. For someone who is ONCE BITTEN TWICE SHY, I find it absolutely so difficult to give my heart to anyone without feeling the anxieties and insecurity as the past record has not been kind to me as many knows.
Not too sure why GOOD GUYS always finish last or get finished off so easily, but I guess that is an UGLY FACT which I have to learn to accept.
Through the years of courtship, never had I for once, taken the lust path into my courtship as I always believe that being a TRUE GENTLEMAN would prevail. How wrong I was? How naive I was? It was never gonna work that way as I found out in the years of courtships and in most cases, I never made it past HELLO. To me at that time, courtship was like a 3 step game: Aquaintance, Getting to know and Being together. Guess what through the years, I failed even in the first hurdle. Some say I am too ill equipped, too poorly poised, too dumb to read between the lines and etc..... The only thing that warms the heart was the time when someone accepted who I am without picking on my faults and defects. In all fairness, how many people actually spent a lifetime looking for the ONE for life? Lastly it is so so difficult as in reality, human beings are selfish beings, and not many I know that are selfless and willing to give it all.
At my age now, just passed the 40 year old mark and starting a new era in life, have really nothing much to look for actually. In reality, sometimes I wonder also what lies ahead in front of me to face. Used to love children and I never lost that affainity with children but I would have to give up having kids of my own as I have passed the critical age limit already. Done my mathematics and I surely would not wanna retire when I am 70 years old as I expect my energy level to drop drastically in the next 5 to 7 years before I reach 50 years old. Of course the other truth is that I am no longer half the man I used to be as I really would not know if the ammunitions in me work anymore. I of course have done my family some injustice as the bloodline may not be able to continue in me.
This days, I only looking for companionship, and some love too. But I am prepared to give a lot of concessions away as I am no longer young and that I, too, have a past which is best left buried and not to be dugged up. Will I find it? Will there be someone out there for me who is willing to live with me, and accept me as what I am? Sigh......sometimes love just ain't enough!
But till I write again, I just want to put all my energies and effort in my work now as I have to succeed in this venture where I have placed all my 'chips' in as it would really shape the future years that comes by.
Here is ONE nice song that echoes in my heart every now and then....
Until I Find You Again - Richard Marx
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qJjKDGluoYg&feature=related
Sunday, January 9, 2011
My Vacation - Bangkok 2011
Just back from my long awaited vacation, and the fact that it nearly did not materialised because of work commitments. In a way it makes this trip really super as once in my lifetime, I never let my work get in the way in my decision to go out there to enjoy myself.
While I was flying towards Bangkok, there was a lot of anxieties and worries that people will be looking for me, because of work. How true it was, as believe it or not, there was as many as 10 missed calls while I was on the plane.
Anyway, I went about my vacation and did some shopping, and some sightseeing too. I also went to experience the true Thai massage which left me feeling so light suddenly after bend here and crack there. I also did some 'cuci mata' and found myself a local guide (aka companion for the few days).
I must say, I really appreciate Thai hospitality and also their manners, which is definitely better than where I am from. So before I end, I'd just like to thank Ja for making my trip to Bangkok this time round such a great one.....
While I was flying towards Bangkok, there was a lot of anxieties and worries that people will be looking for me, because of work. How true it was, as believe it or not, there was as many as 10 missed calls while I was on the plane.
Anyway, I went about my vacation and did some shopping, and some sightseeing too. I also went to experience the true Thai massage which left me feeling so light suddenly after bend here and crack there. I also did some 'cuci mata' and found myself a local guide (aka companion for the few days).
I must say, I really appreciate Thai hospitality and also their manners, which is definitely better than where I am from. So before I end, I'd just like to thank Ja for making my trip to Bangkok this time round such a great one.....
Friday, January 7, 2011
Thoughts Of A Distraught Man.......
Sometimes it ain't really easy to share what's in our minds and in our heart, as in most cases, the people whom you shared with are the same ones who would unintentionally expose our thoughts. So for now, I believe I should be keep everything classified and file it into my "X files".
Of late, I had to overcome stress in my life, my work and also emotionally. I sometimes try to be someone who has no emotions and no feelings, and have resigned to fate that I am destined to be a loner for life. Truthfully, who am I trying to fool? Myself? As a Cancerian, it is so so difficult and in reality as a Cancerian who has so much feelings and emotions. Believing in ourselves has been sometimes a fault, because within me, I know it would not be easy for me to find the very person who would be the one for my life.
I have tried to believe that 'she' is out there but seriously sometimes I really don't know who I am trying to fool. Trying to be a gentleman and someone who is nice, and believing that it would reap some results. Ultimately THE UGLY TRUTH is that good guys always finish last but seriously, for now, I have at least a very good excuse today......affordability in relationships.
For now, I believe I am better off being Han Solo than the person I am actually......
Like Forrest Gump says....."stupid is as stupid does".....
Of late, I had to overcome stress in my life, my work and also emotionally. I sometimes try to be someone who has no emotions and no feelings, and have resigned to fate that I am destined to be a loner for life. Truthfully, who am I trying to fool? Myself? As a Cancerian, it is so so difficult and in reality as a Cancerian who has so much feelings and emotions. Believing in ourselves has been sometimes a fault, because within me, I know it would not be easy for me to find the very person who would be the one for my life.
I have tried to believe that 'she' is out there but seriously sometimes I really don't know who I am trying to fool. Trying to be a gentleman and someone who is nice, and believing that it would reap some results. Ultimately THE UGLY TRUTH is that good guys always finish last but seriously, for now, I have at least a very good excuse today......affordability in relationships.
For now, I believe I am better off being Han Solo than the person I am actually......
Like Forrest Gump says....."stupid is as stupid does".....
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Vacation ........ with a heavy heart
Well after 12 gruelling months of 'war' and 'battles' being fought at work and in the 'market', it really took its toll on me. I convinced myself with so much difficulties to take a break and go away for a while, maybe do something wild. This decision did not come easy as it would be always haunting me, what is happening in office? How is the business for the days when I was away? I guess ONE MAN really cannot make the difference.
Of course, this outing would also allow me to re-explore myself as it has been quite a 'boxed-in' feeling throughout the whole of 2010. So I would go all out and hang loose.
Re-charge the failing batteries within me too.....
Signing off from the land of smiles.
Of course, this outing would also allow me to re-explore myself as it has been quite a 'boxed-in' feeling throughout the whole of 2010. So I would go all out and hang loose.
Re-charge the failing batteries within me too.....
Signing off from the land of smiles.
Friday, December 24, 2010
Christmas 2010
Well, it is the time of the year where joy and companionships come in all forms. Yes, its Christmas again as time flies so quickly and the festive season which I never really appreciated comes by again.
This year surprisingly I have been so exhausted both physically and psychologically in my work that I hardly give it much thought. Of course, I still feel the isolation and the 'out of sorts' emotions.
Maybe as the years wear on, I will soon lose the very ability to feel anymore as I am so getting used to being alone.
Anyway.....Merry Christmas to all and a Happy New Year.
Signing off 2010....
This year surprisingly I have been so exhausted both physically and psychologically in my work that I hardly give it much thought. Of course, I still feel the isolation and the 'out of sorts' emotions.
Maybe as the years wear on, I will soon lose the very ability to feel anymore as I am so getting used to being alone.
Anyway.....Merry Christmas to all and a Happy New Year.
Signing off 2010....
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
What could have, should have and would have been?
Hello everyone,
It has been a long long time since I sat down in front of a terminal to start typing and sharing my thoughts, pouring out what is in my heart, baring my soul for all to see. In truth, I have been through one of the toughest periods of my life as I had to make some drastic decision which in time to come will affect me in the coming future. As the old childhood song once sang "Que sara sara, whatever will be will be, the future's not ours to see". Whatever the decision I make today, I will know if it is the right one or otherwise in the years to come.
As one of my Cancerian brothers used to say, Sam how come you are so different from a common Cancerian who needs love and companionship so importantly? Well, I could not simply answer him in a few simple words as sincerely it took a lot of sacrifices and determination to really undermine my emotions. Believe it or not, sometimes I do feel I am not the man I used to be as I find already so easy to accept simple things in life but not love. You ask me today what is love and what is 2 people being together feel like? I can only tell you that I really would not know as that feeling does not compute OR am I just fooling myself again?
Like todays title: What could have, should have and would have been? It is about my conclusive love life which span from the days when I was a teenager till the present day.
The person whom I'd consider that could have been my lifetime partner, was someone I have discussed in the past as I would say, she was the ONE who really made me feel really in love and miserable when she said goodbye TWICE.
The lady who I'd really consider all this time as the ONE who should have been someone for me for life, was my very first girlfriend and now I would consider her as my ex-wife. She came into my life, ending all my speculation and doubts that I would find true love. But then again, it is all "should have been" in the end as like sweet dreams that ends in a nightmare. "LOVE IS OVER" just like that, the "cut" was so deep and so real which I could even feel uneasiness thinking about it OR that the weapon who was used is still planted in my heart.
The woman, which I am about to mention now, is someone which at one stage in my life, I thought that she would have been the ONE for me and for the years to come. I had placed some hope that it would materialised but it was also of course with some contemplation as it was a LDR (long distance relationship). Knew her in the web and in the chatroom, met her in person in both my homeland and hers and that we spent some time together. I, at some stage, really wished that she would be the ONE and the final woman which I love in this lifetime.
At the very end, I sometimes wonder again, as I always do about life, love and relationships. The TRUTH about Sam is that HE CANNOT BE ALONE, HE WANTS TO BE LOVED, HE WANTS SOMEONE NEAR........but the UGLY TRUTH, which I have learnt to really accept is NO MONEY NO HONEY, and that is the real ugly realistic thing. Anyway, since now that I am beginning my journey into the twilight, and into the final run in my life where it is make or break. I guess I just have to live the rest of my life denying myself of love, relationship and the faintest of hope to find someone who would want to my soul companion till the end of my time.
Some people who knows me well always remembers the person who had lived his life negatively, and full of pessimism. In truth, if he had a choice would he had chosen a life like this over a life full of life and happiness.....
Just like one of favourite Mandarin duet song titled "男人.女人by 阿穆隆 许茹芸 " and in that song, there was a few lines which I believe I have lived it through a long long time now....."也曾经为爱憔悴,爱情里好人总比坏人狼狈"
Till love comes knocking at my door again......it is hello loneliness, goodbye love.
It has been a long long time since I sat down in front of a terminal to start typing and sharing my thoughts, pouring out what is in my heart, baring my soul for all to see. In truth, I have been through one of the toughest periods of my life as I had to make some drastic decision which in time to come will affect me in the coming future. As the old childhood song once sang "Que sara sara, whatever will be will be, the future's not ours to see". Whatever the decision I make today, I will know if it is the right one or otherwise in the years to come.
As one of my Cancerian brothers used to say, Sam how come you are so different from a common Cancerian who needs love and companionship so importantly? Well, I could not simply answer him in a few simple words as sincerely it took a lot of sacrifices and determination to really undermine my emotions. Believe it or not, sometimes I do feel I am not the man I used to be as I find already so easy to accept simple things in life but not love. You ask me today what is love and what is 2 people being together feel like? I can only tell you that I really would not know as that feeling does not compute OR am I just fooling myself again?
Like todays title: What could have, should have and would have been? It is about my conclusive love life which span from the days when I was a teenager till the present day.
The person whom I'd consider that could have been my lifetime partner, was someone I have discussed in the past as I would say, she was the ONE who really made me feel really in love and miserable when she said goodbye TWICE.
The lady who I'd really consider all this time as the ONE who should have been someone for me for life, was my very first girlfriend and now I would consider her as my ex-wife. She came into my life, ending all my speculation and doubts that I would find true love. But then again, it is all "should have been" in the end as like sweet dreams that ends in a nightmare. "LOVE IS OVER" just like that, the "cut" was so deep and so real which I could even feel uneasiness thinking about it OR that the weapon who was used is still planted in my heart.
The woman, which I am about to mention now, is someone which at one stage in my life, I thought that she would have been the ONE for me and for the years to come. I had placed some hope that it would materialised but it was also of course with some contemplation as it was a LDR (long distance relationship). Knew her in the web and in the chatroom, met her in person in both my homeland and hers and that we spent some time together. I, at some stage, really wished that she would be the ONE and the final woman which I love in this lifetime.
At the very end, I sometimes wonder again, as I always do about life, love and relationships. The TRUTH about Sam is that HE CANNOT BE ALONE, HE WANTS TO BE LOVED, HE WANTS SOMEONE NEAR........but the UGLY TRUTH, which I have learnt to really accept is NO MONEY NO HONEY, and that is the real ugly realistic thing. Anyway, since now that I am beginning my journey into the twilight, and into the final run in my life where it is make or break. I guess I just have to live the rest of my life denying myself of love, relationship and the faintest of hope to find someone who would want to my soul companion till the end of my time.
Some people who knows me well always remembers the person who had lived his life negatively, and full of pessimism. In truth, if he had a choice would he had chosen a life like this over a life full of life and happiness.....
Just like one of favourite Mandarin duet song titled "男人.女人by 阿穆隆 许茹芸 " and in that song, there was a few lines which I believe I have lived it through a long long time now....."也曾经为爱憔悴,爱情里好人总比坏人狼狈"
Till love comes knocking at my door again......it is hello loneliness, goodbye love.
Friday, July 16, 2010
Life at 40
Well it has been a long while I have actually written something here as I was pretty much too occupied with my work and that I was also down with slight fatigue.
Just passed my 41st birthday recently and was poised with questions such as am I gonna find someone new in my life? Would I get married again? Would I plan to have kids? What's my plans for my future? Seriously I have never gave it much thought about all those questions poised at all for now as thankfully I was too pre-occupied with my work and normally at the end of the day, I would be too exhausted to think of anything else but to rest and sleep. The ugly truth is that I have to thank my work for exhausting me out everyday as if not, I'd probably thinking of what else for me to do....that is also why the reason I dreaded the weekends as it nears because I just have nothing to do, nowhere to go and no one to go out with, it can be such a drag.
I remember when I was younger then that relationships and having someone near was something which I would drown myself in terms of thoughts. Why is it only in thoughts? The reason being that I have never much luck or success with women even in acquintances. Sadly becuase of the darn 'first impression' rule, and for me, I am normally not too open when meeting new people as I chose to observe them first and adopt a SAFETY FIRST policy. Anyway to be safe is better to over-exposing our vulnerabilities, as I am basically a nice chap with a soft heart as some would know that I could be the type of guy who could be "easily taken for a ride". In reality, I just wanna be a nice guy and treat a lady with utmost respect, and for that sometimes or even often enough, I have been misunderstood. It used to matter a lot to me when I get misunderstood and no matter how hard I try to remedy the problem, it gets worse.
This days I chose to remain dormant and let the situation evolves for itself, not too worried if it works to my favour or not. The truth as we get older, the harder to find yourself someone that fits, thus resigning to the very fate which we dreaded sometimes for our current predicament. I am more of a family man this days as I would go to work and back home only, hardly go out for social gatherings which in fact is far and few. I have tasted family life once, when I was married for a brief period, but how foolish and naive I was then believing that giving it my all is enough to enjoy a warm family life. When it all fails, I was then too devastated to ever believing that I would ever find another life which I would then called family life again. Seriously I really want to appreciate and enjoy the warmth and love of family life as I have been alone for too long. I even at one stage forgot that I was living and that I am a human and not a robot........So from time to time, I watched movies that to test if I still have feelings or that it is all gone.
Anyway to me now, the current situation is not really to my favour to even have someone in mind and judging from the looks of things, it would be very unlikely for me to even attempt for anyone at all. To be frank, I would not even mind if the other half is a divorcee with a kid even for that fact.
I would like to share a wonderful MTV of a Chinese song with all...which speaks a lot about what I am and what I have been through.....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LRc-Qbf_0Dw&playnext_from=TL&videos=1UnaGtT5QIA
Just passed my 41st birthday recently and was poised with questions such as am I gonna find someone new in my life? Would I get married again? Would I plan to have kids? What's my plans for my future? Seriously I have never gave it much thought about all those questions poised at all for now as thankfully I was too pre-occupied with my work and normally at the end of the day, I would be too exhausted to think of anything else but to rest and sleep. The ugly truth is that I have to thank my work for exhausting me out everyday as if not, I'd probably thinking of what else for me to do....that is also why the reason I dreaded the weekends as it nears because I just have nothing to do, nowhere to go and no one to go out with, it can be such a drag.
I remember when I was younger then that relationships and having someone near was something which I would drown myself in terms of thoughts. Why is it only in thoughts? The reason being that I have never much luck or success with women even in acquintances. Sadly becuase of the darn 'first impression' rule, and for me, I am normally not too open when meeting new people as I chose to observe them first and adopt a SAFETY FIRST policy. Anyway to be safe is better to over-exposing our vulnerabilities, as I am basically a nice chap with a soft heart as some would know that I could be the type of guy who could be "easily taken for a ride". In reality, I just wanna be a nice guy and treat a lady with utmost respect, and for that sometimes or even often enough, I have been misunderstood. It used to matter a lot to me when I get misunderstood and no matter how hard I try to remedy the problem, it gets worse.
This days I chose to remain dormant and let the situation evolves for itself, not too worried if it works to my favour or not. The truth as we get older, the harder to find yourself someone that fits, thus resigning to the very fate which we dreaded sometimes for our current predicament. I am more of a family man this days as I would go to work and back home only, hardly go out for social gatherings which in fact is far and few. I have tasted family life once, when I was married for a brief period, but how foolish and naive I was then believing that giving it my all is enough to enjoy a warm family life. When it all fails, I was then too devastated to ever believing that I would ever find another life which I would then called family life again. Seriously I really want to appreciate and enjoy the warmth and love of family life as I have been alone for too long. I even at one stage forgot that I was living and that I am a human and not a robot........So from time to time, I watched movies that to test if I still have feelings or that it is all gone.
Anyway to me now, the current situation is not really to my favour to even have someone in mind and judging from the looks of things, it would be very unlikely for me to even attempt for anyone at all. To be frank, I would not even mind if the other half is a divorcee with a kid even for that fact.
I would like to share a wonderful MTV of a Chinese song with all...which speaks a lot about what I am and what I have been through.....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LRc-Qbf_0Dw&playnext_from=TL&videos=1UnaGtT5QIA
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Relationships, women and love
Well for all the things which I have written, it has been all about love, romance and relationship. What does it comes to? All talk and no action to be taken....why? To have a relationship, it requires costs and money....its the truth though many would disagree.
I have a friend who had always say that he is worst off than me, although the truth is that he is like on seventh heaven which he never knew. Maybe after all that's been written here, I do hope I could shed him some light and stop feeling sorry for himself because I don't and I never let it bring me down for that fact.
Maybe I would break it down to several areas so that it looks for more focused.
1. Career.
I have spent a large number of years in the automotive industry after graduating from Polytechnic and leaving the Armed Forces. I have worked from a mechanic to a service advisor, from Technical Officer to Project Engineer, to becoming a Technical Executive to lastly an Assistant Service Manager in a MNC. Those years where I have to really work very hard to really get to what and where I am then. Today, I am into after-market Sales/Marketing and Technical Support, though I don't really make the big bucks but least I earn for everything I have.
My dear friend, is a Director of his father's company, have all the perks but of course, the thing which is disadvantage to him as compared to me, is that he may or may not survive the 'changes' in the industry on his own. The things he has such as car and etc....are all from expenses of the company and all he makes goes into his expenditure. Thus, in a matter of speaking, he would be materially more wealthier than I do but I have preserverence and experience in the industry which he does not have.
2. Love and Marriage.
I guess we are both pretty even in this aspect as we both have experience a failed marriage with no kids. But the only thing which my dear friend would not admit is that he had 2 flings after as compared to me, which I had none. I have never blamed anyone for not being able to have flings after my marriage failed. The reason being that I do not have the time to have another relationship and that I also cannot afford ONE at all, and even today. Unlike my friend, who can go holiday with his flings and etc... Isn't it true? That if a guy can afford some extra cash on hand, he could or he may go out and seek happiness or seek comfort in women. What about those who cannot afford? Well, my answer to that is ..... do not think about it? do not even wanna flaunt it at all?
In reality, if one wanna be successful about his own life....is all about making good what he has.
In this I hope my friend would understand what I am trying to say, do not feel inferior to people who has nothing that you have or had.
I have a friend who had always say that he is worst off than me, although the truth is that he is like on seventh heaven which he never knew. Maybe after all that's been written here, I do hope I could shed him some light and stop feeling sorry for himself because I don't and I never let it bring me down for that fact.
Maybe I would break it down to several areas so that it looks for more focused.
1. Career.
I have spent a large number of years in the automotive industry after graduating from Polytechnic and leaving the Armed Forces. I have worked from a mechanic to a service advisor, from Technical Officer to Project Engineer, to becoming a Technical Executive to lastly an Assistant Service Manager in a MNC. Those years where I have to really work very hard to really get to what and where I am then. Today, I am into after-market Sales/Marketing and Technical Support, though I don't really make the big bucks but least I earn for everything I have.
My dear friend, is a Director of his father's company, have all the perks but of course, the thing which is disadvantage to him as compared to me, is that he may or may not survive the 'changes' in the industry on his own. The things he has such as car and etc....are all from expenses of the company and all he makes goes into his expenditure. Thus, in a matter of speaking, he would be materially more wealthier than I do but I have preserverence and experience in the industry which he does not have.
2. Love and Marriage.
I guess we are both pretty even in this aspect as we both have experience a failed marriage with no kids. But the only thing which my dear friend would not admit is that he had 2 flings after as compared to me, which I had none. I have never blamed anyone for not being able to have flings after my marriage failed. The reason being that I do not have the time to have another relationship and that I also cannot afford ONE at all, and even today. Unlike my friend, who can go holiday with his flings and etc... Isn't it true? That if a guy can afford some extra cash on hand, he could or he may go out and seek happiness or seek comfort in women. What about those who cannot afford? Well, my answer to that is ..... do not think about it? do not even wanna flaunt it at all?
In reality, if one wanna be successful about his own life....is all about making good what he has.
In this I hope my friend would understand what I am trying to say, do not feel inferior to people who has nothing that you have or had.
Friday, March 26, 2010
What Kind Of Man Would I Be - 2010
It has been a long while since I last written anything here, some would say that this is the only place where I actually speak my mind out loud. In reality, I do wish that there is someone out there for me to tell it all. Maybe there is such a person out there which I have not found, or that it is just me who is too afraid to come looking for this person. Lord knows really how I do feel deep within. Or is it just me who is too afraid to tell it all and be vulunerable, and may even shed tears too.
I was often poised with a very touchy question: I should get married again, least there's someone to take care of me, and that for me, I would be more focused in my work and my life too. Well to be frank I truly welcome that thought and of course, I believe it would be a good thing too, for me but I have to be realistic and accept the fact it is too good to be real. Some people even say that I should transform into someone which I am not, to maybe achieve some success in relationships or better my chances with women. Truth is, though it maybe ugly as it is really a fact that I may not really have what it takes anymore to be a woman's man.
I have to be truthful to myself anyway to say that to be in a relationship, I may have the heart, soul and will but I do not have the financial capacity to keep it running. I am just not making enough to provide for another person, let alone my offspring. Seriously, I have to be truthful to not only myself but also to the other person who would spend her life with me. Anyway, I might as well forget all hopes about looking for the half of my life, just be a loner for life.
Would like to share a great song.....which will say a lot from my heart.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nDAifqUN3LQ
I was often poised with a very touchy question: I should get married again, least there's someone to take care of me, and that for me, I would be more focused in my work and my life too. Well to be frank I truly welcome that thought and of course, I believe it would be a good thing too, for me but I have to be realistic and accept the fact it is too good to be real. Some people even say that I should transform into someone which I am not, to maybe achieve some success in relationships or better my chances with women. Truth is, though it maybe ugly as it is really a fact that I may not really have what it takes anymore to be a woman's man.
I have to be truthful to myself anyway to say that to be in a relationship, I may have the heart, soul and will but I do not have the financial capacity to keep it running. I am just not making enough to provide for another person, let alone my offspring. Seriously, I have to be truthful to not only myself but also to the other person who would spend her life with me. Anyway, I might as well forget all hopes about looking for the half of my life, just be a loner for life.
Would like to share a great song.....which will say a lot from my heart.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nDAifqUN3LQ
Thursday, February 25, 2010
What Is Love Between 2 People
Before I actually sat down and started writing this blog again, I was in the most confused state of mind ever and I would have gone crazy for that fact. Thankfully I straighten it all out and of course, it does come with massive sacrifices. The fact that most of my blogs is all about love and emotions, is basically because it is something that I would be very brave to say which have eluded me.
Just before Valentine's Day this year, there was some hope from within that maybe this year would be a better one for me and of course it is not without a fair bit of skeptism. As the day draw nearer, suddenly like a bubble that burst as like your hopes and dreams. All is lost now and gone forever even. In a flash, I resigned to the fact that love is never meant for me as I do not anything more to offer in life and to the other half which I am interested in.
Love between 2 people of yesteryears was so different and it is all about living for each other, and the years being together made the bond between the lovers becoming stronger. Guessed gone was the days of such a kind of love.......this days is all about how much you could afford, how much you can contribute, and essentially it is more of status quo kinda thing this days.
In all fairness, I do ask myself more everyday until I am now very convinced that I may no longer venture into relationships anymore. The painful truths involved are that I could not afford financially to be really involved in a relationship or even to set up a small family, and the fact that it has been heartbreak after heartbreak, I really find it so hard to give my feelings away anymore.
This days.....to even start a relationship, we have to evaluate how much can we really afford in a relationship. It is not all about money but it is about what we can or cannot afford that really contemplates the success or failures in your attempt to win a lady's heart.
I guess after so much I have been through and seriously evaluating the possibilities/probables, I really have to accept the UGLY TRUTH that love is never meant for someone like me. I hate to say it, I really hate to admit it, and that I really have no choices anymore but to walk away and walk away for good. I really want to find someone to love for the rest of my life, someone whom I could place my faith, my heart and could share my ups/downs with....and it is not all about sex too. Guessed also it is not all about how much I feel anymore cause I got to admit, it is not longer relevent anymore.....it is really sad indeed.
People do ask me, what are my aspirations and what do I live for this days? Seriously, ever since the last of my childhood aspirations was achieved back in 2005, there was none but one which I would like to revive and see if I could see better outcomes. The one thing which I have tried to revive and see if there is any better outcomes - my love life. Shitty, catastrohphically a disaster could be used to describe it..... So now if you ask me, what is there in life for me? NOTHING as maybe I am just waiting for the day to come when I am home with the creator, or simply just to say that I am waiting for the day I die.......
Regretfully, I really tried very hard to inspire myself to move on and be positive. I guess the most positive thing or thought I have now is that I am alive and still living on. But the truth, I really can't wait to leave this wretched world filled with cynical, skeptical and people with rationale that simple people like me would never comprehend.
I would like to share a song with everyone who have read my blog.....a song which is every bit of me and my heart when it comes to loving someone.....
The song was first heard by me in 1982....titled More than just the two of us by Sneakers
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xPX0i9M1RHI&feature=related
Adios....
Just before Valentine's Day this year, there was some hope from within that maybe this year would be a better one for me and of course it is not without a fair bit of skeptism. As the day draw nearer, suddenly like a bubble that burst as like your hopes and dreams. All is lost now and gone forever even. In a flash, I resigned to the fact that love is never meant for me as I do not anything more to offer in life and to the other half which I am interested in.
Love between 2 people of yesteryears was so different and it is all about living for each other, and the years being together made the bond between the lovers becoming stronger. Guessed gone was the days of such a kind of love.......this days is all about how much you could afford, how much you can contribute, and essentially it is more of status quo kinda thing this days.
In all fairness, I do ask myself more everyday until I am now very convinced that I may no longer venture into relationships anymore. The painful truths involved are that I could not afford financially to be really involved in a relationship or even to set up a small family, and the fact that it has been heartbreak after heartbreak, I really find it so hard to give my feelings away anymore.
This days.....to even start a relationship, we have to evaluate how much can we really afford in a relationship. It is not all about money but it is about what we can or cannot afford that really contemplates the success or failures in your attempt to win a lady's heart.
I guess after so much I have been through and seriously evaluating the possibilities/probables, I really have to accept the UGLY TRUTH that love is never meant for someone like me. I hate to say it, I really hate to admit it, and that I really have no choices anymore but to walk away and walk away for good. I really want to find someone to love for the rest of my life, someone whom I could place my faith, my heart and could share my ups/downs with....and it is not all about sex too. Guessed also it is not all about how much I feel anymore cause I got to admit, it is not longer relevent anymore.....it is really sad indeed.
People do ask me, what are my aspirations and what do I live for this days? Seriously, ever since the last of my childhood aspirations was achieved back in 2005, there was none but one which I would like to revive and see if I could see better outcomes. The one thing which I have tried to revive and see if there is any better outcomes - my love life. Shitty, catastrohphically a disaster could be used to describe it..... So now if you ask me, what is there in life for me? NOTHING as maybe I am just waiting for the day to come when I am home with the creator, or simply just to say that I am waiting for the day I die.......
Regretfully, I really tried very hard to inspire myself to move on and be positive. I guess the most positive thing or thought I have now is that I am alive and still living on. But the truth, I really can't wait to leave this wretched world filled with cynical, skeptical and people with rationale that simple people like me would never comprehend.
I would like to share a song with everyone who have read my blog.....a song which is every bit of me and my heart when it comes to loving someone.....
The song was first heard by me in 1982....titled More than just the two of us by Sneakers
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xPX0i9M1RHI&feature=related
Adios....
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Confused State Of Mind & Heart
I really don't know why I have to say this days here in BLOG as maybe its because I have really no other avenue to offload what is in my mind and also no one who could share what I am feeling at this point in time. I am also not sure am I suffering from mid-life crisis because I have found that the loneliness I have lived with for so long is now so very unbearable and I am out of wits to fight it or suppress it.
Sometimes I also wonder why is there so much left for me to do OR that I am here to just go through the motion of life. My ideals have all but achieved already and though the results have somewhat been not so good because of all, there is just one that did not turn out right. I guess I should be glad it was achieved or attained. These days, I wonder, what is there left for me out there.
The last few years, I realised that for a moment that I could have kept my emotions in check and more or less suppress it well. Truth is that it had been swept under the rug but it was growing in desire and in strength. Worst of all being a Cancerian, where we are emotional, passionate and sensitive in nature. I do wonder too after 2005 where I had written 3 more love songs that I still have what it takes to love again. I guess not, as I am just too weary of another setback which I guess it would leave me ever so devastated.
I guess I should really leave it to FATE to decide my destiny as it is no longer what I want in life that matters, I could decide what I want to do or what I like to have in life (material aspirations) but not in my love life.....it is really beyond my choice now. As like cars in Singapore, which have a shelf life of 10 yrs and you'd have to scrap them. I, too, feel that my days are numbered where I am no longer in a position to choose, and it is not what I want that matter any more.
Sometimes I do wonder when my time would come.........as it is nothing more I want anymore in this life......least I know, I have done what I have set out to do as a kid.....
Lastly I would like to share a wonderful cantonese song by Sam Hui which somewhat reflect how I feel right now......really down and out....and lost in emotions
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Hello Loneliness, Goodbye Love
I am not too sure of late that I have so much to say and it had to be spelt out so spontaneously. It is really puzzling indeed as it just not me of late. Maybe it is just another of those days where I am down with an emotional breakdown.
Just finished another old movie, usually more like a re-run, but tonight I was watching "Turn left, turn right" starring Gigi Leung & Takeshi. It is another of those romantic movies with a light hearted approach. As I was watching the movie, at certain parts of it....I could my heart suddenly felt like it is so heavy and burdened. I tried to understand the feelings of the moment and then like a flash, it popped right out.....tears slowly began to appear at the edges of my eyes as the show was like coming to the end. The tears became uncontrollable instantly......I have not felt this way since the late 80's while watching a tear jerker "A Family Affair" starring Sam Hui & Olivia Cheng.
Suddenly it occurs to me......damn I still have feelings...and I am lonely now and in need of someone to fill the void in my life. I guess wanting something and fated to have something is really TWO different results at the very end. Spent almost my entire teenage years protecting the ONE thing which many have failed to appreciate: The essence between a man and a woman. The essence between a man and a woman is not purely all about sex, physical explorations and exploitations (to a certain extent) instead, it is the growth between the two which involves emotional, psychological and spiritual. Anyway whatever my beliefs were and whatever the outcome which I had wished for.....never materialised.
Spending year after year....looking for the ONE person who would complete me. Thought I had it ....I really believed I had found the ultimate person for life, my ex-wife (who happen to be my very 1st girlfriend). There was no word in the dictionary which could describe how I feel when my marriage collapsed and failed, even the word devastated was not strong enough. Battered and beaten after 7 years....believing in the true human spirit that any one person could not be written off.....and will change with the ever changing environment. HOW FOOLISH I WAS? HOW NAIVE I WAS THEN? As the saying goes, a leopard never changes its spots.....sigh.
Today, if ever I am asked the ONE true question, WOULD I EVER FALL IN LOVE AGAIN? I really don't know what I would answer, as my heart is surely and definitely is too weak to take another setback. OR maybe I should take the easy way out....by burying all my emotions and tell myself I am destined to be alone or more like a hermit.
To give myself totally no chance at all now, is really the only thing that would spare me yet another heartbreak. But to tell myself that I have lost all my feelings and now virtually is emotionless, that is BULLSHIT. I am a CANCERIAN, and CANCERIAN people are mostly SUCKERS for LOVE, but some say that I am different. The truth is it is all camouflage and it is not that I don't feel anymore, instead the fear of being rejected gives me the ability to encase all my feelings and emotions.
A week ago....I had the weirdest of all dreams too....I was like sentenced to death by lethal injection, the dream was so true and real as I could feel the needle as it was inserted into me. Then in a flash, I died as I was injected with lethal poison. Not too sure why I had this kinda dream. Sometimes I do wonder if it is also true that if the will of person is wearing thin, then gradually he/she would have no zest left in life or what remains of it.
I try so hard to tell myself I do not have feelings anymore and that I will not commit it to anyone again....well I did fail tragically in the controlling the tears when it matters but I believe I held my ground enough to not give anything to anyone away.
This maybe the most I have said about how I feel for a while....not too sure when I would write something like this again.....best not to....very boring to read for many (more like complaining about things around me than feelings),
Cheers everyone......
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