What Kind Of Man Would I Be - 2010

It has been a long while since I last written anything here, some would say that this is the only place where I actually speak my mind out loud. In reality, I do wish that there is someone out there for me to tell it all. Maybe there is such a person out there which I have not found, or that it is just me who is too afraid to come looking for this person. Lord knows really how I do feel deep within. Or is it just me who is too afraid to tell it all and be vulunerable, and may even shed tears too.
I was often poised with a very touchy question: I should get married again, least there's someone to take care of me, and that for me, I would be more focused in my work and my life too. Well to be frank I truly welcome that thought and of course, I believe it would be a good thing too, for me but I have to be realistic and accept the fact it is too good to be real. Some people even say that I should transform into someone which I am not, to maybe achieve some success in relationships or better my chances with women. Truth is, though it maybe ugly as it is really a fact that I may not really have what it takes anymore to be a woman's man.
I have to be truthful to myself anyway to say that to be in a relationship, I may have the heart, soul and will but I do not have the financial capacity to keep it running. I am just not making enough to provide for another person, let alone my offspring. Seriously, I have to be truthful to not only myself but also to the other person who would spend her life with me. Anyway, I might as well forget all hopes about looking for the half of my life, just be a loner for life.

Would like to share a great song.....which will say a lot from my heart.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nDAifqUN3LQ

What Is Love Between 2 People

Before I actually sat down and started writing this blog again, I was in the most confused state of mind ever and I would have gone crazy for that fact. Thankfully I straighten it all out and of course, it does come with massive sacrifices. The fact that most of my blogs is all about love and emotions, is basically because it is something that I would be very brave to say which have eluded me.
Just before Valentine's Day this year, there was some hope from within that maybe this year would be a better one for me and of course it is not without a fair bit of skeptism. As the day draw nearer, suddenly like a bubble that burst as like your hopes and dreams. All is lost now and gone forever even. In a flash, I resigned to the fact that love is never meant for me as I do not anything more to offer in life and to the other half which I am interested in.
Love between 2 people of yesteryears was so different and it is all about living for each other, and the years being together made the bond between the lovers becoming stronger. Guessed gone was the days of such a kind of love.......this days is all about how much you could afford, how much you can contribute, and essentially it is more of status quo kinda thing this days.
In all fairness, I do ask myself more everyday until I am now very convinced that I may no longer venture into relationships anymore. The painful truths involved are that I could not afford financially to be really involved in a relationship or even to set up a small family, and the fact that it has been heartbreak after heartbreak, I really find it so hard to give my feelings away anymore.
This days.....to even start a relationship, we have to evaluate how much can we really afford in a relationship. It is not all about money but it is about what we can or cannot afford that really contemplates the success or failures in your attempt to win a lady's heart.
I guess after so much I have been through and seriously evaluating the possibilities/probables, I really have to accept the UGLY TRUTH that love is never meant for someone like me. I hate to say it, I really hate to admit it, and that I really have no choices anymore but to walk away and walk away for good. I really want to find someone to love for the rest of my life, someone whom I could place my faith, my heart and could share my ups/downs with....and it is not all about sex too. Guessed also it is not all about how much I feel anymore cause I got to admit, it is not longer relevent anymore.....it is really sad indeed.
People do ask me, what are my aspirations and what do I live for this days? Seriously, ever since the last of my childhood aspirations was achieved back in 2005, there was none but one which I would like to revive and see if I could see better outcomes. The one thing which I have tried to revive and see if there is any better outcomes - my love life. Shitty, catastrohphically a disaster could be used to describe it..... So now if you ask me, what is there in life for me? NOTHING as maybe I am just waiting for the day to come when I am home with the creator, or simply just to say that I am waiting for the day I die.......

Regretfully, I really tried very hard to inspire myself to move on and be positive. I guess the most positive thing or thought I have now is that I am alive and still living on. But the truth, I really can't wait to leave this wretched world filled with cynical, skeptical and people with rationale that simple people like me would never comprehend.

I would like to share a song with everyone who have read my blog.....a song which is every bit of me and my heart when it comes to loving someone.....
The song was first heard by me in 1982....titled More than just the two of us by Sneakers

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xPX0i9M1RHI&feature=related

Adios....

Confused State Of Mind & Heart

I really don't know why I have to say this days here in BLOG as maybe its because I have really no other avenue to offload what is in my mind and also no one who could share what I am feeling at this point in time. I am also not sure am I suffering from mid-life crisis because I have found that the loneliness I have lived with for so long is now so very unbearable and I am out of wits to fight it or suppress it.

Sometimes I also wonder why is there so much left for me to do OR that I am here to just go through the motion of life. My ideals have all but achieved already and though the results have somewhat been not so good because of all, there is just one that did not turn out right. I guess I should be glad it was achieved or attained. These days, I wonder, what is there left for me out there.

The last few years, I realised that for a moment that I could have kept my emotions in check and more or less suppress it well. Truth is that it had been swept under the rug but it was growing in desire and in strength. Worst of all being a Cancerian, where we are emotional, passionate and sensitive in nature. I do wonder too after 2005 where I had written 3 more love songs that I still have what it takes to love again. I guess not, as I am just too weary of another setback which I guess it would leave me ever so devastated.

I guess I should really leave it to FATE to decide my destiny as it is no longer what I want in life that matters, I could decide what I want to do or what I like to have in life (material aspirations) but not in my love life.....it is really beyond my choice now. As like cars in Singapore, which have a shelf life of 10 yrs and you'd have to scrap them. I, too, feel that my days are numbered where I am no longer in a position to choose, and it is not what I want that matter any more.

Sometimes I do wonder when my time would come.........as it is nothing more I want anymore in this life......least I know, I have done what I have set out to do as a kid.....

Lastly I would like to share a wonderful cantonese song by Sam Hui which somewhat reflect how I feel right now......really down and out....and lost in emotions

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vb1jJB1uvFc&feature=related

Hello Loneliness, Goodbye Love

I am not too sure of late that I have so much to say and it had to be spelt out so spontaneously. It is really puzzling indeed as it just not me of late. Maybe it is just another of those days where I am down with an emotional breakdown.

Just finished another old movie, usually more like a re-run, but tonight I was watching "Turn left, turn right" starring Gigi Leung & Takeshi. It is another of those romantic movies with a light hearted approach. As I was watching the movie, at certain parts of it....I could my heart suddenly felt like it is so heavy and burdened. I tried to understand the feelings of the moment and then like a flash, it popped right out.....tears slowly began to appear at the edges of my eyes as the show was like coming to the end. The tears became uncontrollable instantly......I have not felt this way since the late 80's while watching a tear jerker "A Family Affair" starring Sam Hui & Olivia Cheng.

Suddenly it occurs to me......damn I still have feelings...and I am lonely now and in need of someone to fill the void in my life. I guess wanting something and fated to have something is really TWO different results at the very end. Spent almost my entire teenage years protecting the ONE thing which many have failed to appreciate: The essence between a man and a woman. The essence between a man and a woman is not purely all about sex, physical explorations and exploitations (to a certain extent) instead, it is the growth between the two which involves emotional, psychological and spiritual. Anyway whatever my beliefs were and whatever the outcome which I had wished for.....never materialised.

Spending year after year....looking for the ONE person who would complete me. Thought I had it ....I really believed I had found the ultimate person for life, my ex-wife (who happen to be my very 1st girlfriend). There was no word in the dictionary which could describe how I feel when my marriage collapsed and failed, even the word devastated was not strong enough. Battered and beaten after 7 years....believing in the true human spirit that any one person could not be written off.....and will change with the ever changing environment. HOW FOOLISH I WAS? HOW NAIVE I WAS THEN? As the saying goes, a leopard never changes its spots.....sigh.

Today, if ever I am asked the ONE true question, WOULD I EVER FALL IN LOVE AGAIN? I really don't know what I would answer, as my heart is surely and definitely is too weak to take another setback. OR maybe I should take the easy way out....by burying all my emotions and tell myself I am destined to be alone or more like a hermit.

To give myself totally no chance at all now, is really the only thing that would spare me yet another heartbreak. But to tell myself that I have lost all my feelings and now virtually is emotionless, that is BULLSHIT. I am a CANCERIAN, and CANCERIAN people are mostly SUCKERS for LOVE, but some say that I am different. The truth is it is all camouflage and it is not that I don't feel anymore, instead the fear of being rejected gives me the ability to encase all my feelings and emotions.

A week ago....I had the weirdest of all dreams too....I was like sentenced to death by lethal injection, the dream was so true and real as I could feel the needle as it was inserted into me. Then in a flash, I died as I was injected with lethal poison. Not too sure why I had this kinda dream. Sometimes I do wonder if it is also true that if the will of person is wearing thin, then gradually he/she would have no zest left in life or what remains of it.

I try so hard to tell myself I do not have feelings anymore and that I will not commit it to anyone again....well I did fail tragically in the controlling the tears when it matters but I believe I held my ground enough to not give anything to anyone away.

This maybe the most I have said about how I feel for a while....not too sure when I would write something like this again.....best not to....very boring to read for many (more like complaining about things around me than feelings),

Cheers everyone......

Resolutions

In my entire life till date, I merely remembered that there were several years of it, where I actually made NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS....and guess what? I never fulfilled them. I even ponder what would life like if I had fulfilled them. I guess I better not contemplate or speculate what is gonna happen OR not.
2009 for me is more of yet another neutral year as all is the same and everything seems never to deviate from its natural course. I had worked hard in the year which did not see much growth due to the economic crisis.
What are my plans in 2010? I really dun know as maybe I could say it out loud...I wanna find someone to let fly....Guess not? Cause the record shows I am luckless with women.....?
Just wanna hope that 2010 will come and go as it did in 2009.

Could it be mid-life crisis???

When I was a kid, I really wished that I could grow old faster to escape from the so-called childhood blues which I had endured in the early years....Well now that I am older now, and just passed 40 yrs and moving on. I found myself in an unfamiliar country and in a situation which could be make or break scenario...
Hounded by an indecisive career path, and a love life is as good as negligible or best left unspoken about, and a social life as almost identical as a hermit. When my marriage failed years ago, I thought that I could rely on my work to bring me joy and happiness as it is the one thing that for a long time has not broken my heart nor faith. I threw all my energies and soul into it.....but today, the results I am getting is really adverse and very upsetting sometimes. The reality that I have to face the world all by myself, and for all this years have somewhat wearing me down. Sometimes I even wish whenever before I go to bed.....and never wake up again. How foolish I could be right? Yes...or maybe it could how despair I am now?
Many years ago someone actually mentioned to me that "Good men always finished last", intially which I never agreed but now I believe it is true.
As for my love life......like Jerry McGuire the movie, it needs someone to make it complete. Like in Hitch, the need to feel love is to feel miserable when love is not around.....Sometimes love just ain't enough in reality and that I learnt from my failed marriage.
Sometimes I guess the only other way out of it all is to weather the storm......and see if there is any sunlight at the end of it.

The below URL is ONE of the songs...which I feel is a reflection of how I feel....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1speLQVwbYE

Christmas Blues.....2009

In a few days time, it is gonna be Christmas again and it comes a day which I dreaded the most, of course not to mention also Valentine’s Day too.

In the whole of my life, as much as I could remember, that Christmas was a time which many spent with loved ones. I did have a few great Christmas in my life but it all happened too long ago, and simply just too long ago that the joys of the day is all but lost. It must be like it all happened several decades ago, and at a time I was but a young boy.

I sometimes wonder if in life that one must walk the extremes before they can find inner peace and even the neutrals of life. I often ask the questions….WHY??? But in reality, there is no absolute answer in every problem we face, there is no definite solution or remedy for the state we are in….more so often it is us who have brought ourselves to the ground OR that it was a wrong turn made in our decision which affected the rest of our life. Sometimes, are we for one to blame for our miseries?

If anyone ever asked me what is true reason why I have lived till today? I really don’t know the answer and even though I had lived 4 decades of my life, seriously I only know of feelings such as pain, heartbreaks and sufferings. There were of course moments that I thought finally I may find joy and happiness but those are like our shadows as we walk in the night, it could be long in length for one and then it would disappear in the darkness of night.

Many a times, I’d even query why did I come onto EARTH and what is my purpose? In the past when I was younger, I was more rebellious and determined that there could a better tomorrow for me out there. Never quitting and bowing down to extremes of pain and agony then. Something got to give at the end of all the experiences I had, which always on the wrong end. I really wonder then what must I do to change it all and to the point I could not bring myself in believing that there was something good out there for me. Then it happened…..I broke down and never actually recover, sinking into the darkest of all depressions and developing what many would call inferior complexity. I was at a point so down and out that DEATH haunts me everyday. Would I ever climb out of the doldrums and be a lively chirpy me again, was a question I relentlessly ask myself daily then. The answer never came and I even became too afraid to ‘come out of shell’ anymore. Losing my mind and sanity was something which would follow suit….as I could not even focus on my education. I was but only a young teenager then at 13 years old. Not having a closely knit family relationship did not give me much of a fighting chance as I sunk deeper into depression.

Then like an angel someone appeared and offer some kind of console to me, that is what I believed then….and thinking of it today, how naïve and stupid I was? It prevented me from ending it all for a while, as I relied on it to rally some positive vibes into my life. That feint hope died as quickly as it came by as again I plummet into depression and became very isolated. I did not have many people to share with regarding what’s in my head or even my heart. Suddenly I found an avenue to release my emotional stress, in songwriting and in singing, which have always been something I enjoyed the most. Although the songs I have written were not sang by others, and mostly were words of what I felt really deep down. I guess maybe someday someone out there would be able to understand what I felt then……..I went into the worst depression when I was 16 years. It was the age where many would have had their first love. For me, there was no FIRST LOVE and it was like rejections all the way, to a point I had even given up of finding love or even getting involved in relationships. At the time, there was actually someone back in 1985 whom I felt might have been the ONE who could turn my life around. The feeling was strong though I resisted in vain, or could it be again my naïve and trusting nature acting on me again. Nevertheless, I fell again and fail again as it went all to smoke. In reality, I really wondered if it is true when people do say that one must suffer before they could enjoy the fruits of life. To be frank, I never actually believed it but fate and all that has happened made me believed it.

A huge break came into my life back in 1988, as the girl whom I have fallen so deeply before in 1985 came back into my life. Thinking again that it would be great again….to hopelessly falling in ‘love’ again. Did it come full circle? OR did it just went up in smoke? In 1988, came the year where I have written for the first time a love song of some positive aspiration and feelings. The song titled I LOVE YOU was written with the music from a ALAN TAM’s song from his movie “Soldier of love”. The set of lyrics below is the song titled I LOVE YOU.

I LOVE YOU – SAM KONG (1988)

Never thought that I could fall in love
Since the day she walked out on me
Life seems so dark and so lonesone
I wonder what's gonna happen

Life without love is so hard to lead
I wonder how long could I live
Then when I saw you here one day
I knew that my life's gonna change
Chorus:-
Thinkin' of you day and night
Lovin' you so deeply inside
I never felt love so good before
And I know it is true for you
I love you
Cause there ain't nothin' that can change this truth

Lyrics: Sam Kong
Music: 半梦半醒 (谭咏麟 )

The reason why I was quite proud of this song, is because it brought me some rewards as I won the MM DAY ‘Talent Search’ beating a tough field of challengers and also the competition was stiff, and that the fact I was the least prepared for such a competition, after retiring from stage performances since 1985. Then as she came back into my life in 1988 in a flash, she also left me suddenly. I guessed the problem has always been me, though she always says that I deserved someone better than her. I would never agree with that at all because who am I to judge? Refusing to let her go, I kept trying to get her back but all efforts were in vain. Maybe she was merely looking to me as a cover or a substitute prior to her, finding her MR. RIGHT. The walls suddenly came tumbling down for me…..7th July 1989, which coincidentally happens to be my birthday. Hell broke loose again…….

I did not write another song since after the ‘I LOVE YOU’ of another such a song with so much feelings and devotion. After that it is all about heartbreaks and relationships that has gone all wrong. It was then I realized that it is impossible to write another of such song no more……because I have found so difficult to feel again….

Something wonderful happened in 1994 and I thought for a moment it was like a dream but it wasn’t…because I have finally found someone who’d accept me for who I am and what I am, which is so rare indeed. She became my first girlfriend of my life….things got on well and we went on and start a family. Suddenly it hit me again, was it too good to be true as my marriage went on the rocks and even though I have given it enough consideration and thought. I finally had to make the most difficult decision of my life i.e. to walk away from my marriage and continue my solo life again. My heart felt like a sabre stabbing through it, twisted through it and left there in my heart forever….as even thinking of her, I could feel the pain. Maybe that happens when you love someone so hard and so deeply.

I could not hold onto the feelings within too long as it is really too heavy for me to carry. So I decided to open up and used songwriting to express how I felt about…life, love and things around me. In 2005, an inspirational moment helped me write yet another song (under 5 minutes to complete). The song was titled ‘My heart will be with you (always)’ and it is song of reflection of my love life and the comforting moments when I felt loved.

MY HEART WILL BE WITH YOU (ALWAYS)
WHEN I FEEL LONELY
WHEN YOU'RE NOT WITH ME
I START TO THINK OF YOU
I KNOW YOU MISS ME TOO
SO LET OUR HEART BEAT AS ONE.

I REALLY MISS YOU
I REALLY LOVE YOU
I FEEL YOU IN MY HEART
TO SAY THAT I LOVE YOU
MY HEART WILL BE WITH YOU

CHORUS:
I WISH THAT I HAVE WINGS
I'D FLY TO YOU
HOLD YOU IN MY ARMS ETERNALLY
I WOULD GIVE IT ALL TO BE WITH YOU
UNTIL THE END OF TIME
SO DON'T YOU WORRY
SO DON'T FEEL WEARY
CAUSE I AM HERE FOR YOU
SO DARLING CAN'T YOU SEE
YOU ARE EVERTHING TO ME.

Music by : Sam Hui (HK singer)
Lyrics by : Sam Kong (me)

This song later gave me some fame as I finally able to perform it with Sam Hui at his concert in Singapore in Oct 2005. This song was of course not the last of my works between 2005 & 2006 as there was a few more songs that was written….mainly about my love life, my love and dejections too.

You showed me what is love?
in the beginning,
i never knew love
i only heard it in stories and tales
i start to wonder
the day i know love
would be the day that i meet u

Bridge:-
you came into my life
when i had given up all hope
to find true love
in this life time
you took my hand instead
showed me the way to true love
from that day
i know i found love

Chorus:-
so let us make this story, a story of our true love
with you near me and i need no other
and it is you that showed me that true love does exist
i love you with all my heart

Repeat bridge
Repeat chorus 3x

I love you with all my heart

Music: 童话 - 光良
Lyrics: Sam Kong


I know that in life, many wrongs don’t make a right but what about many corrects, does it means that it cannot make a wrong – a right. Sometimes I do wonder what is left in life for me in the days to come.

The ability to live alone and bear with the loneliness, miseries and solitude, is not something new but to think that after all the good deeds I have done…..and ending up suffering alone. Gosh…maybe that is the spirit of living.

The more we suffer, the stronger we get……

It’s Christmas eve now and the countdown has ended, spending it at a joint…..I never felt the wholeheartedness of the Christmas atmosphere…as my heart grew heavier by the minute till it struck 12:00 am. Maybe I am just not ready for Christmas…or maybe its just the loneliness that has overwhelmed me. I really don’t know….

Maybe I just need someone to show me what true love really is after all.