Remembering this little song, Que Sara Sara, suddenly it allows me to come to terms with one thing....as sang in the song: What will be, will be.
The thought today for me is that what should have been, may not be what it seems at the end. Whereas what it could never be, may turn out to be....what is the rationale then behind such contrasting events. I am puzzled somewhat but nonetheless, if I do have it my way, what will be then it will always be.
As I have always tried to be "a gentleman" forever but its always the "beast" that beats me clean. OR is the Chinese saying: If men is not bad, women would never love 'em. Guess if there's the case then men like me should either transform to be the BEAST or to be left out in the end.
I have always have the simplest of choices and wishes and believing that good begets good. Unfortunately I have not seen the goodness in return but I have not caved in to evolved into someone I am not. I strongly believe that someday, someone out there would appreciate the person in me....but is this belief running thin.....after years of failures and rejections. I hope not.
But after turning 40, the largest turning point of my life is the fact that I am alone and I am OK with it.....of course the hope (the flame within me) to find the elusive someone for life has not been subdued.
Guess my wish for being 40 is to find someone ..... someone who would accept the man I am or what's left of it.
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Sunday, July 5, 2009
The NEW Frontier - 40 years as a person
As the days draw nearer to which I will be 40 years old, I cannot help but recall back to the days when how much I had wished to be 40 real soon. So many things had happened between then and now, and that some had shaped my life and some had its adverse effects on my life.
Believe it or not, the biggest relief between now and then was the fact that I had broken free from the fear of my father who had in the past, casted a fearful figure in me which made me rather timid. After living with the fear for so many years, I felt relieved and that the weight that had weighed heavily in my heart has evaporated. What a great relieve indeed.
To me now, the greatest thing that is missing is 'the feeling of being loved by the one whom I would spend the rest of my life with'. I guess it must be something I have asked for many years and times but has been turned away. I really wondered in life, there is not a thing I hhad not seen or been through. DEATH is the last fear I had because I have come to terms with it because in reality, I have seen a fair share of my friends come and gone.
Today as I sat here writing this blog, I made a little prayer to GOD and hope that he could really understand what I feel or felt. I never want to brag about what a gentleman I was or am today and then but least I try my best to uphold the righteousness of a human respecting another. Again, I have to say that I cannot expect anything to come out it as it had never did......sigh.
I guess that's pretty much life on a whole as it was never meant to be FAIR.
Believe it or not, the biggest relief between now and then was the fact that I had broken free from the fear of my father who had in the past, casted a fearful figure in me which made me rather timid. After living with the fear for so many years, I felt relieved and that the weight that had weighed heavily in my heart has evaporated. What a great relieve indeed.
To me now, the greatest thing that is missing is 'the feeling of being loved by the one whom I would spend the rest of my life with'. I guess it must be something I have asked for many years and times but has been turned away. I really wondered in life, there is not a thing I hhad not seen or been through. DEATH is the last fear I had because I have come to terms with it because in reality, I have seen a fair share of my friends come and gone.
Today as I sat here writing this blog, I made a little prayer to GOD and hope that he could really understand what I feel or felt. I never want to brag about what a gentleman I was or am today and then but least I try my best to uphold the righteousness of a human respecting another. Again, I have to say that I cannot expect anything to come out it as it had never did......sigh.
I guess that's pretty much life on a whole as it was never meant to be FAIR.
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