Guessed it has been quite a long time since I really sat down and written something that's in my head or even my heart. The reason being I am very confused right now as time was never enough for me in my work and that I have been torn in so many directions when it comes to my emotions. Though there were times that I may have felt I could have found someone for life but then the opposite thing occurred as it does not appears to be so. So what's next for me......
Though it has been like over 6 years since I walked away from my failed marriage but to be frank, the wound is still fresh and that I guessed it never recovered from it at all. Who ever says it would be easy to heal a wound that's deep and for someone like me....it would be a lie to say that I had laughed it all off.
I may have resisted myself in so many ways not to let my desperation out cause it is never easy to cope with the loneliness. I withheld all of a man's natural instincts for too long to a point that it is so suppressed and I believe that it would be really difficult to re-activate them again. Driving myself into my work with all my heart and soul is something I have been doing to ensure that I would not drift away and think about love and relationships again. It is something I think for now is the best thing for me to do.
Age is now a barrier for me as I am not getting no younger and that the energy levels were never of that 10 years ago. Hated to admit finally I have aged and at the rate which is faster than many. The heart within me has shown signs of lethargy from time to time, and even emotions too.
Watching the movie "hitch" again, it really made me feel like Alex Hitchens in the movie because I always make thing happen for people but never once considering an option for myself. Am I a fool? Am I an Idiot? Am I just too dumb to come forward? The answers I could not answer myself but the fact that my courage to come forward has diminished as maybe it is just me who is just too afraid to accept another rejection. Some would say I am just lack of confidence and self belief. Would it help even if I have both? I would not think so because let the record shows, ONE success (my ex-wife) in that many years in attempting to find a companion. It is like being the game of soccer where you have all the elements to win games but you are losing every one of them and bottom of the league. Gosh.....it really brings someone who maybe strong within into becoming someone who no longer believes he can do it. I really don't know what more I could do.....or should I just wait it out.....should I just accept fate?
I wanna share my life, my love and my all with someone who will do the same too.......but I guess that's just too much to ask for already.....
Until the day, she comes along........I shall be and always be another lone crusader.
