What could have, should have and would have been?

Hello everyone,

It has been a long long time since I sat down in front of a terminal to start typing and sharing my thoughts, pouring out what is in my heart, baring my soul for all to see. In truth, I have been through one of the toughest periods of my life as I had to make some drastic decision which in time to come will affect me in the coming future. As the old childhood song once sang "Que sara sara, whatever will be will be, the future's not ours to see". Whatever the decision I make today, I will know if it is the right one or otherwise in the years to come.

As one of my Cancerian brothers used to say, Sam how come you are so different from a common Cancerian who needs love and companionship so importantly? Well, I could not simply answer him in a few simple words as sincerely it took a lot of sacrifices and determination to really undermine my emotions. Believe it or not, sometimes I do feel I am not the man I used to be as I find already so easy to accept simple things in life but not love. You ask me today what is love and what is 2 people being together feel like? I can only tell you that I really would not know as that feeling does not compute OR am I just fooling myself again?

Like todays title: What could have, should have and would have been? It is about my conclusive love life which span from the days when I was a teenager till the present day.

The person whom I'd consider that could have been my lifetime partner, was someone I have discussed in the past as I would say, she was the ONE who really made me feel really in love and miserable when she said goodbye TWICE.

The lady who I'd really consider all this time as the ONE who should have been someone for me for life, was my very first girlfriend and now I would consider her as my ex-wife. She came into my life, ending all my speculation and doubts that I would find true love. But then again, it is all "should have been" in the end as like sweet dreams that ends in a nightmare. "LOVE IS OVER" just like that, the "cut" was so deep and so real which I could even feel uneasiness thinking about it OR that the weapon who was used is still planted in my heart.

The woman, which I am about to mention now, is someone which at one stage in my life, I thought that she would have been the ONE for me and for the years to come. I had placed some hope that it would materialised but it was also of course with some contemplation as it was a LDR (long distance relationship). Knew her in the web and in the chatroom, met her in person in both my homeland and hers and that we spent some time together. I, at some stage, really wished that she would be the ONE and the final woman which I love in this lifetime.

At the very end, I sometimes wonder again, as I always do about life, love and relationships. The TRUTH about Sam is that HE CANNOT BE ALONE, HE WANTS TO BE LOVED, HE WANTS SOMEONE NEAR........but the UGLY TRUTH, which I have learnt to really accept is NO MONEY NO HONEY, and that is the real ugly realistic thing. Anyway, since now that I am beginning my journey into the twilight, and into the final run in my life where it is make or break. I guess I just have to live the rest of my life denying myself of love, relationship and the faintest of hope to find someone who would want to my soul companion till the end of my time.

Some people who knows me well always remembers the person who had lived his life negatively, and full of pessimism. In truth, if he had a choice would he had chosen a life like this over a life full of life and happiness.....
Just like one of favourite Mandarin duet song titled "男人.女人by 阿穆隆 许茹芸 " and in that song, there was a few lines which I believe I have lived it through a long long time now....."也曾经为爱憔悴,爱情里好人总比坏人狼狈"

Till love comes knocking at my door again......it is hello loneliness, goodbye love.