Well, it is the time of the year where joy and companionships come in all forms. Yes, its Christmas again as time flies so quickly and the festive season which I never really appreciated comes by again.
This year surprisingly I have been so exhausted both physically and psychologically in my work that I hardly give it much thought. Of course, I still feel the isolation and the 'out of sorts' emotions.
Maybe as the years wear on, I will soon lose the very ability to feel anymore as I am so getting used to being alone.
Anyway.....Merry Christmas to all and a Happy New Year.
Signing off 2010....
Friday, December 24, 2010
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
What could have, should have and would have been?
Hello everyone,
It has been a long long time since I sat down in front of a terminal to start typing and sharing my thoughts, pouring out what is in my heart, baring my soul for all to see. In truth, I have been through one of the toughest periods of my life as I had to make some drastic decision which in time to come will affect me in the coming future. As the old childhood song once sang "Que sara sara, whatever will be will be, the future's not ours to see". Whatever the decision I make today, I will know if it is the right one or otherwise in the years to come.
As one of my Cancerian brothers used to say, Sam how come you are so different from a common Cancerian who needs love and companionship so importantly? Well, I could not simply answer him in a few simple words as sincerely it took a lot of sacrifices and determination to really undermine my emotions. Believe it or not, sometimes I do feel I am not the man I used to be as I find already so easy to accept simple things in life but not love. You ask me today what is love and what is 2 people being together feel like? I can only tell you that I really would not know as that feeling does not compute OR am I just fooling myself again?
Like todays title: What could have, should have and would have been? It is about my conclusive love life which span from the days when I was a teenager till the present day.
The person whom I'd consider that could have been my lifetime partner, was someone I have discussed in the past as I would say, she was the ONE who really made me feel really in love and miserable when she said goodbye TWICE.
The lady who I'd really consider all this time as the ONE who should have been someone for me for life, was my very first girlfriend and now I would consider her as my ex-wife. She came into my life, ending all my speculation and doubts that I would find true love. But then again, it is all "should have been" in the end as like sweet dreams that ends in a nightmare. "LOVE IS OVER" just like that, the "cut" was so deep and so real which I could even feel uneasiness thinking about it OR that the weapon who was used is still planted in my heart.
The woman, which I am about to mention now, is someone which at one stage in my life, I thought that she would have been the ONE for me and for the years to come. I had placed some hope that it would materialised but it was also of course with some contemplation as it was a LDR (long distance relationship). Knew her in the web and in the chatroom, met her in person in both my homeland and hers and that we spent some time together. I, at some stage, really wished that she would be the ONE and the final woman which I love in this lifetime.
At the very end, I sometimes wonder again, as I always do about life, love and relationships. The TRUTH about Sam is that HE CANNOT BE ALONE, HE WANTS TO BE LOVED, HE WANTS SOMEONE NEAR........but the UGLY TRUTH, which I have learnt to really accept is NO MONEY NO HONEY, and that is the real ugly realistic thing. Anyway, since now that I am beginning my journey into the twilight, and into the final run in my life where it is make or break. I guess I just have to live the rest of my life denying myself of love, relationship and the faintest of hope to find someone who would want to my soul companion till the end of my time.
Some people who knows me well always remembers the person who had lived his life negatively, and full of pessimism. In truth, if he had a choice would he had chosen a life like this over a life full of life and happiness.....
Just like one of favourite Mandarin duet song titled "男人.女人by 阿穆隆 许茹芸 " and in that song, there was a few lines which I believe I have lived it through a long long time now....."也曾经为爱憔悴,爱情里好人总比坏人狼狈"
Till love comes knocking at my door again......it is hello loneliness, goodbye love.
It has been a long long time since I sat down in front of a terminal to start typing and sharing my thoughts, pouring out what is in my heart, baring my soul for all to see. In truth, I have been through one of the toughest periods of my life as I had to make some drastic decision which in time to come will affect me in the coming future. As the old childhood song once sang "Que sara sara, whatever will be will be, the future's not ours to see". Whatever the decision I make today, I will know if it is the right one or otherwise in the years to come.
As one of my Cancerian brothers used to say, Sam how come you are so different from a common Cancerian who needs love and companionship so importantly? Well, I could not simply answer him in a few simple words as sincerely it took a lot of sacrifices and determination to really undermine my emotions. Believe it or not, sometimes I do feel I am not the man I used to be as I find already so easy to accept simple things in life but not love. You ask me today what is love and what is 2 people being together feel like? I can only tell you that I really would not know as that feeling does not compute OR am I just fooling myself again?
Like todays title: What could have, should have and would have been? It is about my conclusive love life which span from the days when I was a teenager till the present day.
The person whom I'd consider that could have been my lifetime partner, was someone I have discussed in the past as I would say, she was the ONE who really made me feel really in love and miserable when she said goodbye TWICE.
The lady who I'd really consider all this time as the ONE who should have been someone for me for life, was my very first girlfriend and now I would consider her as my ex-wife. She came into my life, ending all my speculation and doubts that I would find true love. But then again, it is all "should have been" in the end as like sweet dreams that ends in a nightmare. "LOVE IS OVER" just like that, the "cut" was so deep and so real which I could even feel uneasiness thinking about it OR that the weapon who was used is still planted in my heart.
The woman, which I am about to mention now, is someone which at one stage in my life, I thought that she would have been the ONE for me and for the years to come. I had placed some hope that it would materialised but it was also of course with some contemplation as it was a LDR (long distance relationship). Knew her in the web and in the chatroom, met her in person in both my homeland and hers and that we spent some time together. I, at some stage, really wished that she would be the ONE and the final woman which I love in this lifetime.
At the very end, I sometimes wonder again, as I always do about life, love and relationships. The TRUTH about Sam is that HE CANNOT BE ALONE, HE WANTS TO BE LOVED, HE WANTS SOMEONE NEAR........but the UGLY TRUTH, which I have learnt to really accept is NO MONEY NO HONEY, and that is the real ugly realistic thing. Anyway, since now that I am beginning my journey into the twilight, and into the final run in my life where it is make or break. I guess I just have to live the rest of my life denying myself of love, relationship and the faintest of hope to find someone who would want to my soul companion till the end of my time.
Some people who knows me well always remembers the person who had lived his life negatively, and full of pessimism. In truth, if he had a choice would he had chosen a life like this over a life full of life and happiness.....
Just like one of favourite Mandarin duet song titled "男人.女人by 阿穆隆 许茹芸 " and in that song, there was a few lines which I believe I have lived it through a long long time now....."也曾经为爱憔悴,爱情里好人总比坏人狼狈"
Till love comes knocking at my door again......it is hello loneliness, goodbye love.
Friday, July 16, 2010
Life at 40
Well it has been a long while I have actually written something here as I was pretty much too occupied with my work and that I was also down with slight fatigue.
Just passed my 41st birthday recently and was poised with questions such as am I gonna find someone new in my life? Would I get married again? Would I plan to have kids? What's my plans for my future? Seriously I have never gave it much thought about all those questions poised at all for now as thankfully I was too pre-occupied with my work and normally at the end of the day, I would be too exhausted to think of anything else but to rest and sleep. The ugly truth is that I have to thank my work for exhausting me out everyday as if not, I'd probably thinking of what else for me to do....that is also why the reason I dreaded the weekends as it nears because I just have nothing to do, nowhere to go and no one to go out with, it can be such a drag.
I remember when I was younger then that relationships and having someone near was something which I would drown myself in terms of thoughts. Why is it only in thoughts? The reason being that I have never much luck or success with women even in acquintances. Sadly becuase of the darn 'first impression' rule, and for me, I am normally not too open when meeting new people as I chose to observe them first and adopt a SAFETY FIRST policy. Anyway to be safe is better to over-exposing our vulnerabilities, as I am basically a nice chap with a soft heart as some would know that I could be the type of guy who could be "easily taken for a ride". In reality, I just wanna be a nice guy and treat a lady with utmost respect, and for that sometimes or even often enough, I have been misunderstood. It used to matter a lot to me when I get misunderstood and no matter how hard I try to remedy the problem, it gets worse.
This days I chose to remain dormant and let the situation evolves for itself, not too worried if it works to my favour or not. The truth as we get older, the harder to find yourself someone that fits, thus resigning to the very fate which we dreaded sometimes for our current predicament. I am more of a family man this days as I would go to work and back home only, hardly go out for social gatherings which in fact is far and few. I have tasted family life once, when I was married for a brief period, but how foolish and naive I was then believing that giving it my all is enough to enjoy a warm family life. When it all fails, I was then too devastated to ever believing that I would ever find another life which I would then called family life again. Seriously I really want to appreciate and enjoy the warmth and love of family life as I have been alone for too long. I even at one stage forgot that I was living and that I am a human and not a robot........So from time to time, I watched movies that to test if I still have feelings or that it is all gone.
Anyway to me now, the current situation is not really to my favour to even have someone in mind and judging from the looks of things, it would be very unlikely for me to even attempt for anyone at all. To be frank, I would not even mind if the other half is a divorcee with a kid even for that fact.
I would like to share a wonderful MTV of a Chinese song with all...which speaks a lot about what I am and what I have been through.....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LRc-Qbf_0Dw&playnext_from=TL&videos=1UnaGtT5QIA
Just passed my 41st birthday recently and was poised with questions such as am I gonna find someone new in my life? Would I get married again? Would I plan to have kids? What's my plans for my future? Seriously I have never gave it much thought about all those questions poised at all for now as thankfully I was too pre-occupied with my work and normally at the end of the day, I would be too exhausted to think of anything else but to rest and sleep. The ugly truth is that I have to thank my work for exhausting me out everyday as if not, I'd probably thinking of what else for me to do....that is also why the reason I dreaded the weekends as it nears because I just have nothing to do, nowhere to go and no one to go out with, it can be such a drag.
I remember when I was younger then that relationships and having someone near was something which I would drown myself in terms of thoughts. Why is it only in thoughts? The reason being that I have never much luck or success with women even in acquintances. Sadly becuase of the darn 'first impression' rule, and for me, I am normally not too open when meeting new people as I chose to observe them first and adopt a SAFETY FIRST policy. Anyway to be safe is better to over-exposing our vulnerabilities, as I am basically a nice chap with a soft heart as some would know that I could be the type of guy who could be "easily taken for a ride". In reality, I just wanna be a nice guy and treat a lady with utmost respect, and for that sometimes or even often enough, I have been misunderstood. It used to matter a lot to me when I get misunderstood and no matter how hard I try to remedy the problem, it gets worse.
This days I chose to remain dormant and let the situation evolves for itself, not too worried if it works to my favour or not. The truth as we get older, the harder to find yourself someone that fits, thus resigning to the very fate which we dreaded sometimes for our current predicament. I am more of a family man this days as I would go to work and back home only, hardly go out for social gatherings which in fact is far and few. I have tasted family life once, when I was married for a brief period, but how foolish and naive I was then believing that giving it my all is enough to enjoy a warm family life. When it all fails, I was then too devastated to ever believing that I would ever find another life which I would then called family life again. Seriously I really want to appreciate and enjoy the warmth and love of family life as I have been alone for too long. I even at one stage forgot that I was living and that I am a human and not a robot........So from time to time, I watched movies that to test if I still have feelings or that it is all gone.
Anyway to me now, the current situation is not really to my favour to even have someone in mind and judging from the looks of things, it would be very unlikely for me to even attempt for anyone at all. To be frank, I would not even mind if the other half is a divorcee with a kid even for that fact.
I would like to share a wonderful MTV of a Chinese song with all...which speaks a lot about what I am and what I have been through.....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LRc-Qbf_0Dw&playnext_from=TL&videos=1UnaGtT5QIA
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Relationships, women and love
Well for all the things which I have written, it has been all about love, romance and relationship. What does it comes to? All talk and no action to be taken....why? To have a relationship, it requires costs and money....its the truth though many would disagree.
I have a friend who had always say that he is worst off than me, although the truth is that he is like on seventh heaven which he never knew. Maybe after all that's been written here, I do hope I could shed him some light and stop feeling sorry for himself because I don't and I never let it bring me down for that fact.
Maybe I would break it down to several areas so that it looks for more focused.
1. Career.
I have spent a large number of years in the automotive industry after graduating from Polytechnic and leaving the Armed Forces. I have worked from a mechanic to a service advisor, from Technical Officer to Project Engineer, to becoming a Technical Executive to lastly an Assistant Service Manager in a MNC. Those years where I have to really work very hard to really get to what and where I am then. Today, I am into after-market Sales/Marketing and Technical Support, though I don't really make the big bucks but least I earn for everything I have.
My dear friend, is a Director of his father's company, have all the perks but of course, the thing which is disadvantage to him as compared to me, is that he may or may not survive the 'changes' in the industry on his own. The things he has such as car and etc....are all from expenses of the company and all he makes goes into his expenditure. Thus, in a matter of speaking, he would be materially more wealthier than I do but I have preserverence and experience in the industry which he does not have.
2. Love and Marriage.
I guess we are both pretty even in this aspect as we both have experience a failed marriage with no kids. But the only thing which my dear friend would not admit is that he had 2 flings after as compared to me, which I had none. I have never blamed anyone for not being able to have flings after my marriage failed. The reason being that I do not have the time to have another relationship and that I also cannot afford ONE at all, and even today. Unlike my friend, who can go holiday with his flings and etc... Isn't it true? That if a guy can afford some extra cash on hand, he could or he may go out and seek happiness or seek comfort in women. What about those who cannot afford? Well, my answer to that is ..... do not think about it? do not even wanna flaunt it at all?
In reality, if one wanna be successful about his own life....is all about making good what he has.
In this I hope my friend would understand what I am trying to say, do not feel inferior to people who has nothing that you have or had.
I have a friend who had always say that he is worst off than me, although the truth is that he is like on seventh heaven which he never knew. Maybe after all that's been written here, I do hope I could shed him some light and stop feeling sorry for himself because I don't and I never let it bring me down for that fact.
Maybe I would break it down to several areas so that it looks for more focused.
1. Career.
I have spent a large number of years in the automotive industry after graduating from Polytechnic and leaving the Armed Forces. I have worked from a mechanic to a service advisor, from Technical Officer to Project Engineer, to becoming a Technical Executive to lastly an Assistant Service Manager in a MNC. Those years where I have to really work very hard to really get to what and where I am then. Today, I am into after-market Sales/Marketing and Technical Support, though I don't really make the big bucks but least I earn for everything I have.
My dear friend, is a Director of his father's company, have all the perks but of course, the thing which is disadvantage to him as compared to me, is that he may or may not survive the 'changes' in the industry on his own. The things he has such as car and etc....are all from expenses of the company and all he makes goes into his expenditure. Thus, in a matter of speaking, he would be materially more wealthier than I do but I have preserverence and experience in the industry which he does not have.
2. Love and Marriage.
I guess we are both pretty even in this aspect as we both have experience a failed marriage with no kids. But the only thing which my dear friend would not admit is that he had 2 flings after as compared to me, which I had none. I have never blamed anyone for not being able to have flings after my marriage failed. The reason being that I do not have the time to have another relationship and that I also cannot afford ONE at all, and even today. Unlike my friend, who can go holiday with his flings and etc... Isn't it true? That if a guy can afford some extra cash on hand, he could or he may go out and seek happiness or seek comfort in women. What about those who cannot afford? Well, my answer to that is ..... do not think about it? do not even wanna flaunt it at all?
In reality, if one wanna be successful about his own life....is all about making good what he has.
In this I hope my friend would understand what I am trying to say, do not feel inferior to people who has nothing that you have or had.
Friday, March 26, 2010
What Kind Of Man Would I Be - 2010
It has been a long while since I last written anything here, some would say that this is the only place where I actually speak my mind out loud. In reality, I do wish that there is someone out there for me to tell it all. Maybe there is such a person out there which I have not found, or that it is just me who is too afraid to come looking for this person. Lord knows really how I do feel deep within. Or is it just me who is too afraid to tell it all and be vulunerable, and may even shed tears too.
I was often poised with a very touchy question: I should get married again, least there's someone to take care of me, and that for me, I would be more focused in my work and my life too. Well to be frank I truly welcome that thought and of course, I believe it would be a good thing too, for me but I have to be realistic and accept the fact it is too good to be real. Some people even say that I should transform into someone which I am not, to maybe achieve some success in relationships or better my chances with women. Truth is, though it maybe ugly as it is really a fact that I may not really have what it takes anymore to be a woman's man.
I have to be truthful to myself anyway to say that to be in a relationship, I may have the heart, soul and will but I do not have the financial capacity to keep it running. I am just not making enough to provide for another person, let alone my offspring. Seriously, I have to be truthful to not only myself but also to the other person who would spend her life with me. Anyway, I might as well forget all hopes about looking for the half of my life, just be a loner for life.
Would like to share a great song.....which will say a lot from my heart.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nDAifqUN3LQ
I was often poised with a very touchy question: I should get married again, least there's someone to take care of me, and that for me, I would be more focused in my work and my life too. Well to be frank I truly welcome that thought and of course, I believe it would be a good thing too, for me but I have to be realistic and accept the fact it is too good to be real. Some people even say that I should transform into someone which I am not, to maybe achieve some success in relationships or better my chances with women. Truth is, though it maybe ugly as it is really a fact that I may not really have what it takes anymore to be a woman's man.
I have to be truthful to myself anyway to say that to be in a relationship, I may have the heart, soul and will but I do not have the financial capacity to keep it running. I am just not making enough to provide for another person, let alone my offspring. Seriously, I have to be truthful to not only myself but also to the other person who would spend her life with me. Anyway, I might as well forget all hopes about looking for the half of my life, just be a loner for life.
Would like to share a great song.....which will say a lot from my heart.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nDAifqUN3LQ
Thursday, February 25, 2010
What Is Love Between 2 People
Before I actually sat down and started writing this blog again, I was in the most confused state of mind ever and I would have gone crazy for that fact. Thankfully I straighten it all out and of course, it does come with massive sacrifices. The fact that most of my blogs is all about love and emotions, is basically because it is something that I would be very brave to say which have eluded me.
Just before Valentine's Day this year, there was some hope from within that maybe this year would be a better one for me and of course it is not without a fair bit of skeptism. As the day draw nearer, suddenly like a bubble that burst as like your hopes and dreams. All is lost now and gone forever even. In a flash, I resigned to the fact that love is never meant for me as I do not anything more to offer in life and to the other half which I am interested in.
Love between 2 people of yesteryears was so different and it is all about living for each other, and the years being together made the bond between the lovers becoming stronger. Guessed gone was the days of such a kind of love.......this days is all about how much you could afford, how much you can contribute, and essentially it is more of status quo kinda thing this days.
In all fairness, I do ask myself more everyday until I am now very convinced that I may no longer venture into relationships anymore. The painful truths involved are that I could not afford financially to be really involved in a relationship or even to set up a small family, and the fact that it has been heartbreak after heartbreak, I really find it so hard to give my feelings away anymore.
This days.....to even start a relationship, we have to evaluate how much can we really afford in a relationship. It is not all about money but it is about what we can or cannot afford that really contemplates the success or failures in your attempt to win a lady's heart.
I guess after so much I have been through and seriously evaluating the possibilities/probables, I really have to accept the UGLY TRUTH that love is never meant for someone like me. I hate to say it, I really hate to admit it, and that I really have no choices anymore but to walk away and walk away for good. I really want to find someone to love for the rest of my life, someone whom I could place my faith, my heart and could share my ups/downs with....and it is not all about sex too. Guessed also it is not all about how much I feel anymore cause I got to admit, it is not longer relevent anymore.....it is really sad indeed.
People do ask me, what are my aspirations and what do I live for this days? Seriously, ever since the last of my childhood aspirations was achieved back in 2005, there was none but one which I would like to revive and see if I could see better outcomes. The one thing which I have tried to revive and see if there is any better outcomes - my love life. Shitty, catastrohphically a disaster could be used to describe it..... So now if you ask me, what is there in life for me? NOTHING as maybe I am just waiting for the day to come when I am home with the creator, or simply just to say that I am waiting for the day I die.......
Regretfully, I really tried very hard to inspire myself to move on and be positive. I guess the most positive thing or thought I have now is that I am alive and still living on. But the truth, I really can't wait to leave this wretched world filled with cynical, skeptical and people with rationale that simple people like me would never comprehend.
I would like to share a song with everyone who have read my blog.....a song which is every bit of me and my heart when it comes to loving someone.....
The song was first heard by me in 1982....titled More than just the two of us by Sneakers
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xPX0i9M1RHI&feature=related
Adios....
Just before Valentine's Day this year, there was some hope from within that maybe this year would be a better one for me and of course it is not without a fair bit of skeptism. As the day draw nearer, suddenly like a bubble that burst as like your hopes and dreams. All is lost now and gone forever even. In a flash, I resigned to the fact that love is never meant for me as I do not anything more to offer in life and to the other half which I am interested in.
Love between 2 people of yesteryears was so different and it is all about living for each other, and the years being together made the bond between the lovers becoming stronger. Guessed gone was the days of such a kind of love.......this days is all about how much you could afford, how much you can contribute, and essentially it is more of status quo kinda thing this days.
In all fairness, I do ask myself more everyday until I am now very convinced that I may no longer venture into relationships anymore. The painful truths involved are that I could not afford financially to be really involved in a relationship or even to set up a small family, and the fact that it has been heartbreak after heartbreak, I really find it so hard to give my feelings away anymore.
This days.....to even start a relationship, we have to evaluate how much can we really afford in a relationship. It is not all about money but it is about what we can or cannot afford that really contemplates the success or failures in your attempt to win a lady's heart.
I guess after so much I have been through and seriously evaluating the possibilities/probables, I really have to accept the UGLY TRUTH that love is never meant for someone like me. I hate to say it, I really hate to admit it, and that I really have no choices anymore but to walk away and walk away for good. I really want to find someone to love for the rest of my life, someone whom I could place my faith, my heart and could share my ups/downs with....and it is not all about sex too. Guessed also it is not all about how much I feel anymore cause I got to admit, it is not longer relevent anymore.....it is really sad indeed.
People do ask me, what are my aspirations and what do I live for this days? Seriously, ever since the last of my childhood aspirations was achieved back in 2005, there was none but one which I would like to revive and see if I could see better outcomes. The one thing which I have tried to revive and see if there is any better outcomes - my love life. Shitty, catastrohphically a disaster could be used to describe it..... So now if you ask me, what is there in life for me? NOTHING as maybe I am just waiting for the day to come when I am home with the creator, or simply just to say that I am waiting for the day I die.......
Regretfully, I really tried very hard to inspire myself to move on and be positive. I guess the most positive thing or thought I have now is that I am alive and still living on. But the truth, I really can't wait to leave this wretched world filled with cynical, skeptical and people with rationale that simple people like me would never comprehend.
I would like to share a song with everyone who have read my blog.....a song which is every bit of me and my heart when it comes to loving someone.....
The song was first heard by me in 1982....titled More than just the two of us by Sneakers
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xPX0i9M1RHI&feature=related
Adios....
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Confused State Of Mind & Heart
I really don't know why I have to say this days here in BLOG as maybe its because I have really no other avenue to offload what is in my mind and also no one who could share what I am feeling at this point in time. I am also not sure am I suffering from mid-life crisis because I have found that the loneliness I have lived with for so long is now so very unbearable and I am out of wits to fight it or suppress it.
Sometimes I also wonder why is there so much left for me to do OR that I am here to just go through the motion of life. My ideals have all but achieved already and though the results have somewhat been not so good because of all, there is just one that did not turn out right. I guess I should be glad it was achieved or attained. These days, I wonder, what is there left for me out there.
The last few years, I realised that for a moment that I could have kept my emotions in check and more or less suppress it well. Truth is that it had been swept under the rug but it was growing in desire and in strength. Worst of all being a Cancerian, where we are emotional, passionate and sensitive in nature. I do wonder too after 2005 where I had written 3 more love songs that I still have what it takes to love again. I guess not, as I am just too weary of another setback which I guess it would leave me ever so devastated.
I guess I should really leave it to FATE to decide my destiny as it is no longer what I want in life that matters, I could decide what I want to do or what I like to have in life (material aspirations) but not in my love life.....it is really beyond my choice now. As like cars in Singapore, which have a shelf life of 10 yrs and you'd have to scrap them. I, too, feel that my days are numbered where I am no longer in a position to choose, and it is not what I want that matter any more.
Sometimes I do wonder when my time would come.........as it is nothing more I want anymore in this life......least I know, I have done what I have set out to do as a kid.....
Lastly I would like to share a wonderful cantonese song by Sam Hui which somewhat reflect how I feel right now......really down and out....and lost in emotions
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Hello Loneliness, Goodbye Love
I am not too sure of late that I have so much to say and it had to be spelt out so spontaneously. It is really puzzling indeed as it just not me of late. Maybe it is just another of those days where I am down with an emotional breakdown.
Just finished another old movie, usually more like a re-run, but tonight I was watching "Turn left, turn right" starring Gigi Leung & Takeshi. It is another of those romantic movies with a light hearted approach. As I was watching the movie, at certain parts of it....I could my heart suddenly felt like it is so heavy and burdened. I tried to understand the feelings of the moment and then like a flash, it popped right out.....tears slowly began to appear at the edges of my eyes as the show was like coming to the end. The tears became uncontrollable instantly......I have not felt this way since the late 80's while watching a tear jerker "A Family Affair" starring Sam Hui & Olivia Cheng.
Suddenly it occurs to me......damn I still have feelings...and I am lonely now and in need of someone to fill the void in my life. I guess wanting something and fated to have something is really TWO different results at the very end. Spent almost my entire teenage years protecting the ONE thing which many have failed to appreciate: The essence between a man and a woman. The essence between a man and a woman is not purely all about sex, physical explorations and exploitations (to a certain extent) instead, it is the growth between the two which involves emotional, psychological and spiritual. Anyway whatever my beliefs were and whatever the outcome which I had wished for.....never materialised.
Spending year after year....looking for the ONE person who would complete me. Thought I had it ....I really believed I had found the ultimate person for life, my ex-wife (who happen to be my very 1st girlfriend). There was no word in the dictionary which could describe how I feel when my marriage collapsed and failed, even the word devastated was not strong enough. Battered and beaten after 7 years....believing in the true human spirit that any one person could not be written off.....and will change with the ever changing environment. HOW FOOLISH I WAS? HOW NAIVE I WAS THEN? As the saying goes, a leopard never changes its spots.....sigh.
Today, if ever I am asked the ONE true question, WOULD I EVER FALL IN LOVE AGAIN? I really don't know what I would answer, as my heart is surely and definitely is too weak to take another setback. OR maybe I should take the easy way out....by burying all my emotions and tell myself I am destined to be alone or more like a hermit.
To give myself totally no chance at all now, is really the only thing that would spare me yet another heartbreak. But to tell myself that I have lost all my feelings and now virtually is emotionless, that is BULLSHIT. I am a CANCERIAN, and CANCERIAN people are mostly SUCKERS for LOVE, but some say that I am different. The truth is it is all camouflage and it is not that I don't feel anymore, instead the fear of being rejected gives me the ability to encase all my feelings and emotions.
A week ago....I had the weirdest of all dreams too....I was like sentenced to death by lethal injection, the dream was so true and real as I could feel the needle as it was inserted into me. Then in a flash, I died as I was injected with lethal poison. Not too sure why I had this kinda dream. Sometimes I do wonder if it is also true that if the will of person is wearing thin, then gradually he/she would have no zest left in life or what remains of it.
I try so hard to tell myself I do not have feelings anymore and that I will not commit it to anyone again....well I did fail tragically in the controlling the tears when it matters but I believe I held my ground enough to not give anything to anyone away.
This maybe the most I have said about how I feel for a while....not too sure when I would write something like this again.....best not to....very boring to read for many (more like complaining about things around me than feelings),
Cheers everyone......
Monday, January 4, 2010
Resolutions
In my entire life till date, I merely remembered that there were several years of it, where I actually made NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS....and guess what? I never fulfilled them. I even ponder what would life like if I had fulfilled them. I guess I better not contemplate or speculate what is gonna happen OR not.
2009 for me is more of yet another neutral year as all is the same and everything seems never to deviate from its natural course. I had worked hard in the year which did not see much growth due to the economic crisis.
What are my plans in 2010? I really dun know as maybe I could say it out loud...I wanna find someone to let fly....Guess not? Cause the record shows I am luckless with women.....?
Just wanna hope that 2010 will come and go as it did in 2009.
2009 for me is more of yet another neutral year as all is the same and everything seems never to deviate from its natural course. I had worked hard in the year which did not see much growth due to the economic crisis.
What are my plans in 2010? I really dun know as maybe I could say it out loud...I wanna find someone to let fly....Guess not? Cause the record shows I am luckless with women.....?
Just wanna hope that 2010 will come and go as it did in 2009.
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Could it be mid-life crisis???
When I was a kid, I really wished that I could grow old faster to escape from the so-called childhood blues which I had endured in the early years....Well now that I am older now, and just passed 40 yrs and moving on. I found myself in an unfamiliar country and in a situation which could be make or break scenario...
Hounded by an indecisive career path, and a love life is as good as negligible or best left unspoken about, and a social life as almost identical as a hermit. When my marriage failed years ago, I thought that I could rely on my work to bring me joy and happiness as it is the one thing that for a long time has not broken my heart nor faith. I threw all my energies and soul into it.....but today, the results I am getting is really adverse and very upsetting sometimes. The reality that I have to face the world all by myself, and for all this years have somewhat wearing me down. Sometimes I even wish whenever before I go to bed.....and never wake up again. How foolish I could be right? Yes...or maybe it could how despair I am now?
Many years ago someone actually mentioned to me that "Good men always finished last", intially which I never agreed but now I believe it is true.
As for my love life......like Jerry McGuire the movie, it needs someone to make it complete. Like in Hitch, the need to feel love is to feel miserable when love is not around.....Sometimes love just ain't enough in reality and that I learnt from my failed marriage.
Sometimes I guess the only other way out of it all is to weather the storm......and see if there is any sunlight at the end of it.
The below URL is ONE of the songs...which I feel is a reflection of how I feel....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1speLQVwbYE
Hounded by an indecisive career path, and a love life is as good as negligible or best left unspoken about, and a social life as almost identical as a hermit. When my marriage failed years ago, I thought that I could rely on my work to bring me joy and happiness as it is the one thing that for a long time has not broken my heart nor faith. I threw all my energies and soul into it.....but today, the results I am getting is really adverse and very upsetting sometimes. The reality that I have to face the world all by myself, and for all this years have somewhat wearing me down. Sometimes I even wish whenever before I go to bed.....and never wake up again. How foolish I could be right? Yes...or maybe it could how despair I am now?
Many years ago someone actually mentioned to me that "Good men always finished last", intially which I never agreed but now I believe it is true.
As for my love life......like Jerry McGuire the movie, it needs someone to make it complete. Like in Hitch, the need to feel love is to feel miserable when love is not around.....Sometimes love just ain't enough in reality and that I learnt from my failed marriage.
Sometimes I guess the only other way out of it all is to weather the storm......and see if there is any sunlight at the end of it.
The below URL is ONE of the songs...which I feel is a reflection of how I feel....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1speLQVwbYE
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