Confused State Of Mind & Heart

I really don't know why I have to say this days here in BLOG as maybe its because I have really no other avenue to offload what is in my mind and also no one who could share what I am feeling at this point in time. I am also not sure am I suffering from mid-life crisis because I have found that the loneliness I have lived with for so long is now so very unbearable and I am out of wits to fight it or suppress it.

Sometimes I also wonder why is there so much left for me to do OR that I am here to just go through the motion of life. My ideals have all but achieved already and though the results have somewhat been not so good because of all, there is just one that did not turn out right. I guess I should be glad it was achieved or attained. These days, I wonder, what is there left for me out there.

The last few years, I realised that for a moment that I could have kept my emotions in check and more or less suppress it well. Truth is that it had been swept under the rug but it was growing in desire and in strength. Worst of all being a Cancerian, where we are emotional, passionate and sensitive in nature. I do wonder too after 2005 where I had written 3 more love songs that I still have what it takes to love again. I guess not, as I am just too weary of another setback which I guess it would leave me ever so devastated.

I guess I should really leave it to FATE to decide my destiny as it is no longer what I want in life that matters, I could decide what I want to do or what I like to have in life (material aspirations) but not in my love life.....it is really beyond my choice now. As like cars in Singapore, which have a shelf life of 10 yrs and you'd have to scrap them. I, too, feel that my days are numbered where I am no longer in a position to choose, and it is not what I want that matter any more.

Sometimes I do wonder when my time would come.........as it is nothing more I want anymore in this life......least I know, I have done what I have set out to do as a kid.....

Lastly I would like to share a wonderful cantonese song by Sam Hui which somewhat reflect how I feel right now......really down and out....and lost in emotions

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vb1jJB1uvFc&feature=related

Hello Loneliness, Goodbye Love

I am not too sure of late that I have so much to say and it had to be spelt out so spontaneously. It is really puzzling indeed as it just not me of late. Maybe it is just another of those days where I am down with an emotional breakdown.

Just finished another old movie, usually more like a re-run, but tonight I was watching "Turn left, turn right" starring Gigi Leung & Takeshi. It is another of those romantic movies with a light hearted approach. As I was watching the movie, at certain parts of it....I could my heart suddenly felt like it is so heavy and burdened. I tried to understand the feelings of the moment and then like a flash, it popped right out.....tears slowly began to appear at the edges of my eyes as the show was like coming to the end. The tears became uncontrollable instantly......I have not felt this way since the late 80's while watching a tear jerker "A Family Affair" starring Sam Hui & Olivia Cheng.

Suddenly it occurs to me......damn I still have feelings...and I am lonely now and in need of someone to fill the void in my life. I guess wanting something and fated to have something is really TWO different results at the very end. Spent almost my entire teenage years protecting the ONE thing which many have failed to appreciate: The essence between a man and a woman. The essence between a man and a woman is not purely all about sex, physical explorations and exploitations (to a certain extent) instead, it is the growth between the two which involves emotional, psychological and spiritual. Anyway whatever my beliefs were and whatever the outcome which I had wished for.....never materialised.

Spending year after year....looking for the ONE person who would complete me. Thought I had it ....I really believed I had found the ultimate person for life, my ex-wife (who happen to be my very 1st girlfriend). There was no word in the dictionary which could describe how I feel when my marriage collapsed and failed, even the word devastated was not strong enough. Battered and beaten after 7 years....believing in the true human spirit that any one person could not be written off.....and will change with the ever changing environment. HOW FOOLISH I WAS? HOW NAIVE I WAS THEN? As the saying goes, a leopard never changes its spots.....sigh.

Today, if ever I am asked the ONE true question, WOULD I EVER FALL IN LOVE AGAIN? I really don't know what I would answer, as my heart is surely and definitely is too weak to take another setback. OR maybe I should take the easy way out....by burying all my emotions and tell myself I am destined to be alone or more like a hermit.

To give myself totally no chance at all now, is really the only thing that would spare me yet another heartbreak. But to tell myself that I have lost all my feelings and now virtually is emotionless, that is BULLSHIT. I am a CANCERIAN, and CANCERIAN people are mostly SUCKERS for LOVE, but some say that I am different. The truth is it is all camouflage and it is not that I don't feel anymore, instead the fear of being rejected gives me the ability to encase all my feelings and emotions.

A week ago....I had the weirdest of all dreams too....I was like sentenced to death by lethal injection, the dream was so true and real as I could feel the needle as it was inserted into me. Then in a flash, I died as I was injected with lethal poison. Not too sure why I had this kinda dream. Sometimes I do wonder if it is also true that if the will of person is wearing thin, then gradually he/she would have no zest left in life or what remains of it.

I try so hard to tell myself I do not have feelings anymore and that I will not commit it to anyone again....well I did fail tragically in the controlling the tears when it matters but I believe I held my ground enough to not give anything to anyone away.

This maybe the most I have said about how I feel for a while....not too sure when I would write something like this again.....best not to....very boring to read for many (more like complaining about things around me than feelings),

Cheers everyone......

Resolutions

In my entire life till date, I merely remembered that there were several years of it, where I actually made NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS....and guess what? I never fulfilled them. I even ponder what would life like if I had fulfilled them. I guess I better not contemplate or speculate what is gonna happen OR not.
2009 for me is more of yet another neutral year as all is the same and everything seems never to deviate from its natural course. I had worked hard in the year which did not see much growth due to the economic crisis.
What are my plans in 2010? I really dun know as maybe I could say it out loud...I wanna find someone to let fly....Guess not? Cause the record shows I am luckless with women.....?
Just wanna hope that 2010 will come and go as it did in 2009.

Could it be mid-life crisis???

When I was a kid, I really wished that I could grow old faster to escape from the so-called childhood blues which I had endured in the early years....Well now that I am older now, and just passed 40 yrs and moving on. I found myself in an unfamiliar country and in a situation which could be make or break scenario...
Hounded by an indecisive career path, and a love life is as good as negligible or best left unspoken about, and a social life as almost identical as a hermit. When my marriage failed years ago, I thought that I could rely on my work to bring me joy and happiness as it is the one thing that for a long time has not broken my heart nor faith. I threw all my energies and soul into it.....but today, the results I am getting is really adverse and very upsetting sometimes. The reality that I have to face the world all by myself, and for all this years have somewhat wearing me down. Sometimes I even wish whenever before I go to bed.....and never wake up again. How foolish I could be right? Yes...or maybe it could how despair I am now?
Many years ago someone actually mentioned to me that "Good men always finished last", intially which I never agreed but now I believe it is true.
As for my love life......like Jerry McGuire the movie, it needs someone to make it complete. Like in Hitch, the need to feel love is to feel miserable when love is not around.....Sometimes love just ain't enough in reality and that I learnt from my failed marriage.
Sometimes I guess the only other way out of it all is to weather the storm......and see if there is any sunlight at the end of it.

The below URL is ONE of the songs...which I feel is a reflection of how I feel....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1speLQVwbYE