Christmas 2011 & New Year 2012

Well, it is the time of year where there is joy and love all around, yes it is Christmas time and as it draws near. I could not help but to feel extremely down and hapless as I have always dreaded Christmas, and other festivities where people come together. This year is not going to be any different to me, as Christmas would be spent alone, and preferring to either stay at home or getting myself drunk. I remembered that in 2007 I made myself a promise to get myself a X'mas gift and I think I would actually get it finally this year. It is no special gift actually and nothing too fanciful too, as I am actually planning getting myself a GUITAR. Have not played since a long time, and wondering if I could play it again.

This days I have developed a phobia in going outdoors as I am always alone, and watching people come in groups of friends, or with their love ones. It really makes me wonder time and time again, am I really destined to be a loner or am I just too blind to see the people that's around me. Some have even asked me if my decision to stay in JB, was it a right one? I guessed they actually were concerned the fact that I am all alone in JB and if there is anything that happens to me, NO ONE would know. I have also gave it a lot of thought too about staying in JB as I have to weigh the pros and cons, to come out with the best rational reason for me to accept. But staying in Singapore becomes a real burden as cost of living was the main concern and also the fact that I have become very Malaysian makes it harder to adapt in Singapore. So many rules and regulations, and so stressful. I guess I will follow my heart and as the song title reflects "wherever I lay my hat that's my home". Actually I have actually made it myself in a way that I have set out initially like the Jay Chou song "一路向北" as I have no other dependants so really I could move as I wishes.

The coming new year 2012 would be an interesting year for me, as it also marks the 10th anniversary of my marriage failure. All would say that I should be on my way starting a new life but in truth, I have accepted ONE true fact as if ONE is fated to be a loner then so be it. There is practically nothing I could do to change this fact. Maybe I just want to mould myself into the role of the movie "初恋红豆冰" called BOTAK....who has so much to say to the one he loves/adores but he never did at the end.



Still wondering how to pass X'mas and New Year first before 2012.

Cheers all,

Life, Love & Livelihood

It's rather apparently quite hilarous sometimes when I read back what I have written in the past blogs and found basically one very common thing.....the grumbles of an aging old man. In truth sometimes I guess this is the only way I could really let my heart go and express whatever I feel deep deep within. Since in reality, how many would accept the truth, the very truth gracefully, without denial and without resistance. NONE!!!

As a human being living in this mortal world for as long as I could remember, but in truth sometimes I really wonder what is purpose of my sole existence as I really see no relevence nor deed. I lead a life which many would not wanna lead as it is no doubt not as bad a beggar but it ain't rosy at all because without the grit and will to live, guess not many would have made it thus far.

If ever someone ask me how life was for me, over the entire 40 over years? I always say that I am just glad to be alive still...and that wondering everyday, when will my time come? I have had a mediocre life from young and it's really better off than many but of course, it ain't the best. I would also like to thank my parents for allowing me to lead an independant life as I was never a sheltered kid. I had my falls and have been badly 'burnt' in life with poor judgement of character and an indiscipline in finance control. But all of those shaped and moulded me to be wiser and careful. This days though life is so so, financially I am quite conservative and skeptical when it comes to spending, nonetheless I am just glad I finally learnt my lesson about self control and more....not only with money and with my emotions. I know jolly well through the years of courtships and failed relationships, which also included a failed marriage. The years of failure in relationships really put my drain for me in my confidence and also the fear of giving my heart away has grown to a point where even personally I really cannot contemplate.

This days when people ask me if I do feel lonely? It is now a question which I constantly dodge because everyone around me knows, I have been alone since my marriage failed in 2003 and even before that I was never a lady's man, not too many lady companions in my life. Spending most of times wondering where I have went wrong in all the failed courtships have left me believing that I will never be good enough for any woman at all, resigning to fate that I may have to spend my final days pretty much all by myself. Sometimes I am also not too sure is it me, who have become too numb to love someone again or am I just too afraid of being hurt again? OR this days I would lie to myself convincingly that I cannot afford a relationship...and it has worked for now and for the last 3 years or so. I used to very conservative and quite hypocritical about the woman I woe, but years passed and that I have relaxed the conditions which I could accept all terms and conditions, and even to the point where the lady was previously married and had a kid with her. Till today, with such laxed conditions and criterias, I am still find myself being turned away and rejected. Guessed what I think today is right, better off being alone than courting for more heartaches.

Work is now my best friend irregardless how exhausted or how miserable I feel at the end of the day, I know that WORK is my last resort where I will find self actualisation and joy. Least it does not hurt me as much as it does with relationships....Of course, I do place a little hope that maybe someday someone would walk into my life...for now. Guessed that's all I have to say for now...until then...stay tuned to the grumbles of an old fool.

Thoughts after being officially 42 years old

I have recieved feedback on my blog that some have read it and really found that I am very "blue" or that I really don't see there is any light at the end of the path I am taking. They are so right and that is a reality which I would not want to hide anymore. Seriously sometimes I do wonder what is my sole purpose in the mortal world.

I have resisted in so many ways in recent times to ever think of relationships and love. It is really something which I realised that if I put it all to rest, maybe I could find some form of peace and not feel hurt at all. Is it really easy thing to thing to do or put into practice? The truth....it is more difficult than asking me to take a bullet or poison. I am a goddamn Cancerian, who have so much feelings and emotions though I can be also very sensitive and passionate. In truth that as I have so hurt in terms of confidence and also in my heart, it is also very hard to find someone to give my love to OR even looking for someone who'd accept me as what I am the least, is already a task which I consider even harder that for me to scale Mount Everest.

Recently I celebrated my 42nd birthday, pretty much all by myself although I was joined by my staff but I guess it could have been better OR worst for that fact. I really was not looking for some hot date or something exotic. Truth is that I do feel lonely (though I maybe smiling and laughing all night).

Anyway, though my efforts to suppress my feelings and also for people (women around me) especially. I would have said it is a disaster because I have started to have some form of liking for someone which I know I would never stand a chance at all. Then why do I wanna feel so miserable? I cannot answer even myself today but then again I am trying also very hard to 'kill it' and in vain.

I do hope the next time I would write something good and bright on my next post.

Sam

State of uncertainty

Really has been a long while since I last sat down in front of a PC and start to empty my thoughts. Empty my thoughts....would it be possible? What shall I remove first? Work thoughts, life thoughts, financial thoughts or things about love and companionship.
Seriously for me, till date, I hate to accept the fact that I am a lousy liar especially to myself. The fact that I kept telling myself I am OK and you are OK just to appease myself, worked for a while indeed but lately it has started to show signs that it is not gonna work for long. What's next? Sincerely I really don't know what I am gonna do when all the lies to make me feel ok is exhausted....how am I going to convince myself then.
The saddest truth till date that I fail to accept is that "Good guys hardly finish first" but the true metaphor is that "GOOD GUYS NEVER FINISH AT ALL" as they would be likely dumped, jilted or gets cheated at the end before even being in a relationship with the lady of his dreams/desire. The reality check is that it is never easy to be a gentleman or a good guy because most of the times, the women we encountered have had bad experiences in relationships already. Thus it makes it even more difficult to even try to be reassuring.
Just watched the movie "HITCH" again, most would wonder why am I watching this movie again and again. The fact that the character Alex Hitchens, played by Will Smith, really resembles slightly of what I have been through. In truth as mentioned in the movie....No Guile, No Game, No Girl. I believe how true it is this days as it would be impossible to go to someone who you think is nice and tell her, you like her and would like to get to know her better....and not to be mistaken by her at the end as she may think that you are someone who is looking for someone to be laid. How ugly the reality is? It kinda like bites you in the arse when even the intentions you have for her is true and noble.
This days for me, I just want to live day by day...working my socks off, burning myself out daily so that I would not have the zest nor the energy to think about as the only thought I have then is to "re-charge my batteries".

I would like to share this wonderful song to show everyone....how I would feel for the one I love....and ....sigh

More Than Just The Two Of Us - Sneakers (1983)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xPX0i9M1RHI

The Ugly Truth

Well it has been over 2 months now since I last added something here, and as time passed I do find it rather difficult to bring myself to spill my guts out here. The truth is that who is reading what I write here, and how many could ever understand how I actually feel.
I have written song lyrics before to express how I feel in my heart but now, I am trying to convince myself to do something bigger and larger as I have thought of writing a script (for a movie or a book). I have 3 people already in my mind till date but it could have been more but guessed the 3 people would be good enough. Though I have not actually started work on the script but I have a good idea how the script should run. The 1st Chapter would be THE MEETING and I would place the draft copy here once it has been completed.
For now, and for me, it is work and more work and stress.....with all the burden now emplaced on my shoulders....sigh
Till I write again....
Tata

Life Beyond 40 and Love

Been doing a lot of thinking of late as I reflect on my life now and the years that went by, and I realised that other than work which gives me some form of joy, there is just nothing much that really makes me feel complete.
I have been telling myself day after day that there is always a BETTER TOMORROW, and it is not like the Hong Kong movie about gangsters, but really a BETTER TOMORROW. I lamented on a lot of what could have beens in the past but in reality, I have never been brave enough to face the UGLY REALITIES in life. Life is not all about love but we could not live without it too. For someone who is ONCE BITTEN TWICE SHY, I find it absolutely so difficult to give my heart to anyone without feeling the anxieties and insecurity as the past record has not been kind to me as many knows.
Not too sure why GOOD GUYS always finish last or get finished off so easily, but I guess that is an UGLY FACT which I have to learn to accept.
Through the years of courtship, never had I for once, taken the lust path into my courtship as I always believe that being a TRUE GENTLEMAN would prevail. How wrong I was? How naive I was? It was never gonna work that way as I found out in the years of courtships and in most cases, I never made it past HELLO. To me at that time, courtship was like a 3 step game: Aquaintance, Getting to know and Being together. Guess what through the years, I failed even in the first hurdle. Some say I am too ill equipped, too poorly poised, too dumb to read between the lines and etc..... The only thing that warms the heart was the time when someone accepted who I am without picking on my faults and defects. In all fairness, how many people actually spent a lifetime looking for the ONE for life? Lastly it is so so difficult as in reality, human beings are selfish beings, and not many I know that are selfless and willing to give it all.
At my age now, just passed the 40 year old mark and starting a new era in life, have really nothing much to look for actually. In reality, sometimes I wonder also what lies ahead in front of me to face. Used to love children and I never lost that affainity with children but I would have to give up having kids of my own as I have passed the critical age limit already. Done my mathematics and I surely would not wanna retire when I am 70 years old as I expect my energy level to drop drastically in the next 5 to 7 years before I reach 50 years old. Of course the other truth is that I am no longer half the man I used to be as I really would not know if the ammunitions in me work anymore. I of course have done my family some injustice as the bloodline may not be able to continue in me.
This days, I only looking for companionship, and some love too. But I am prepared to give a lot of concessions away as I am no longer young and that I, too, have a past which is best left buried and not to be dugged up. Will I find it? Will there be someone out there for me who is willing to live with me, and accept me as what I am? Sigh......sometimes love just ain't enough!
But till I write again, I just want to put all my energies and effort in my work now as I have to succeed in this venture where I have placed all my 'chips' in as it would really shape the future years that comes by.

Here is ONE nice song that echoes in my heart every now and then....
Until I Find You Again - Richard Marx

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qJjKDGluoYg&feature=related

My Vacation - Bangkok 2011

Just back from my long awaited vacation, and the fact that it nearly did not materialised because of work commitments. In a way it makes this trip really super as once in my lifetime, I never let my work get in the way in my decision to go out there to enjoy myself.

While I was flying towards Bangkok, there was a lot of anxieties and worries that people will be looking for me, because of work. How true it was, as believe it or not, there was as many as 10 missed calls while I was on the plane.

Anyway, I went about my vacation and did some shopping, and some sightseeing too. I also went to experience the true Thai massage which left me feeling so light suddenly after bend here and crack there. I also did some 'cuci mata' and found myself a local guide (aka companion for the few days).

I must say, I really appreciate Thai hospitality and also their manners, which is definitely better than where I am from. So before I end, I'd just like to thank Ja for making my trip to Bangkok this time round such a great one.....

Thoughts Of A Distraught Man.......

Sometimes it ain't really easy to share what's in our minds and in our heart, as in most cases, the people whom you shared with are the same ones who would unintentionally expose our thoughts. So for now, I believe I should be keep everything classified and file it into my "X files".

Of late, I had to overcome stress in my life, my work and also emotionally. I sometimes try to be someone who has no emotions and no feelings, and have resigned to fate that I am destined to be a loner for life. Truthfully, who am I trying to fool? Myself? As a Cancerian, it is so so difficult and in reality as a Cancerian who has so much feelings and emotions. Believing in ourselves has been sometimes a fault, because within me, I know it would not be easy for me to find the very person who would be the one for my life.

I have tried to believe that 'she' is out there but seriously sometimes I really don't know who I am trying to fool. Trying to be a gentleman and someone who is nice, and believing that it would reap some results. Ultimately THE UGLY TRUTH is that good guys always finish last but seriously, for now, I have at least a very good excuse today......affordability in relationships.

For now, I believe I am better off being Han Solo than the person I am actually......

Like Forrest Gump says....."stupid is as stupid does".....

Vacation ........ with a heavy heart

Well after 12 gruelling months of 'war' and 'battles' being fought at work and in the 'market', it really took its toll on me. I convinced myself with so much difficulties to take a break and go away for a while, maybe do something wild. This decision did not come easy as it would be always haunting me, what is happening in office? How is the business for the days when I was away? I guess ONE MAN really cannot make the difference.
Of course, this outing would also allow me to re-explore myself as it has been quite a 'boxed-in' feeling throughout the whole of 2010. So I would go all out and hang loose.
Re-charge the failing batteries within me too.....
Signing off from the land of smiles.