Life, Love & Livelihood

It's rather apparently quite hilarous sometimes when I read back what I have written in the past blogs and found basically one very common thing.....the grumbles of an aging old man. In truth sometimes I guess this is the only way I could really let my heart go and express whatever I feel deep deep within. Since in reality, how many would accept the truth, the very truth gracefully, without denial and without resistance. NONE!!!

As a human being living in this mortal world for as long as I could remember, but in truth sometimes I really wonder what is purpose of my sole existence as I really see no relevence nor deed. I lead a life which many would not wanna lead as it is no doubt not as bad a beggar but it ain't rosy at all because without the grit and will to live, guess not many would have made it thus far.

If ever someone ask me how life was for me, over the entire 40 over years? I always say that I am just glad to be alive still...and that wondering everyday, when will my time come? I have had a mediocre life from young and it's really better off than many but of course, it ain't the best. I would also like to thank my parents for allowing me to lead an independant life as I was never a sheltered kid. I had my falls and have been badly 'burnt' in life with poor judgement of character and an indiscipline in finance control. But all of those shaped and moulded me to be wiser and careful. This days though life is so so, financially I am quite conservative and skeptical when it comes to spending, nonetheless I am just glad I finally learnt my lesson about self control and more....not only with money and with my emotions. I know jolly well through the years of courtships and failed relationships, which also included a failed marriage. The years of failure in relationships really put my drain for me in my confidence and also the fear of giving my heart away has grown to a point where even personally I really cannot contemplate.

This days when people ask me if I do feel lonely? It is now a question which I constantly dodge because everyone around me knows, I have been alone since my marriage failed in 2003 and even before that I was never a lady's man, not too many lady companions in my life. Spending most of times wondering where I have went wrong in all the failed courtships have left me believing that I will never be good enough for any woman at all, resigning to fate that I may have to spend my final days pretty much all by myself. Sometimes I am also not too sure is it me, who have become too numb to love someone again or am I just too afraid of being hurt again? OR this days I would lie to myself convincingly that I cannot afford a relationship...and it has worked for now and for the last 3 years or so. I used to very conservative and quite hypocritical about the woman I woe, but years passed and that I have relaxed the conditions which I could accept all terms and conditions, and even to the point where the lady was previously married and had a kid with her. Till today, with such laxed conditions and criterias, I am still find myself being turned away and rejected. Guessed what I think today is right, better off being alone than courting for more heartaches.

Work is now my best friend irregardless how exhausted or how miserable I feel at the end of the day, I know that WORK is my last resort where I will find self actualisation and joy. Least it does not hurt me as much as it does with relationships....Of course, I do place a little hope that maybe someday someone would walk into my life...for now. Guessed that's all I have to say for now...until then...stay tuned to the grumbles of an old fool.