Christmas Blues.....2009

In a few days time, it is gonna be Christmas again and it comes a day which I dreaded the most, of course not to mention also Valentine’s Day too.

In the whole of my life, as much as I could remember, that Christmas was a time which many spent with loved ones. I did have a few great Christmas in my life but it all happened too long ago, and simply just too long ago that the joys of the day is all but lost. It must be like it all happened several decades ago, and at a time I was but a young boy.

I sometimes wonder if in life that one must walk the extremes before they can find inner peace and even the neutrals of life. I often ask the questions….WHY??? But in reality, there is no absolute answer in every problem we face, there is no definite solution or remedy for the state we are in….more so often it is us who have brought ourselves to the ground OR that it was a wrong turn made in our decision which affected the rest of our life. Sometimes, are we for one to blame for our miseries?

If anyone ever asked me what is true reason why I have lived till today? I really don’t know the answer and even though I had lived 4 decades of my life, seriously I only know of feelings such as pain, heartbreaks and sufferings. There were of course moments that I thought finally I may find joy and happiness but those are like our shadows as we walk in the night, it could be long in length for one and then it would disappear in the darkness of night.

Many a times, I’d even query why did I come onto EARTH and what is my purpose? In the past when I was younger, I was more rebellious and determined that there could a better tomorrow for me out there. Never quitting and bowing down to extremes of pain and agony then. Something got to give at the end of all the experiences I had, which always on the wrong end. I really wonder then what must I do to change it all and to the point I could not bring myself in believing that there was something good out there for me. Then it happened…..I broke down and never actually recover, sinking into the darkest of all depressions and developing what many would call inferior complexity. I was at a point so down and out that DEATH haunts me everyday. Would I ever climb out of the doldrums and be a lively chirpy me again, was a question I relentlessly ask myself daily then. The answer never came and I even became too afraid to ‘come out of shell’ anymore. Losing my mind and sanity was something which would follow suit….as I could not even focus on my education. I was but only a young teenager then at 13 years old. Not having a closely knit family relationship did not give me much of a fighting chance as I sunk deeper into depression.

Then like an angel someone appeared and offer some kind of console to me, that is what I believed then….and thinking of it today, how naïve and stupid I was? It prevented me from ending it all for a while, as I relied on it to rally some positive vibes into my life. That feint hope died as quickly as it came by as again I plummet into depression and became very isolated. I did not have many people to share with regarding what’s in my head or even my heart. Suddenly I found an avenue to release my emotional stress, in songwriting and in singing, which have always been something I enjoyed the most. Although the songs I have written were not sang by others, and mostly were words of what I felt really deep down. I guess maybe someday someone out there would be able to understand what I felt then……..I went into the worst depression when I was 16 years. It was the age where many would have had their first love. For me, there was no FIRST LOVE and it was like rejections all the way, to a point I had even given up of finding love or even getting involved in relationships. At the time, there was actually someone back in 1985 whom I felt might have been the ONE who could turn my life around. The feeling was strong though I resisted in vain, or could it be again my naïve and trusting nature acting on me again. Nevertheless, I fell again and fail again as it went all to smoke. In reality, I really wondered if it is true when people do say that one must suffer before they could enjoy the fruits of life. To be frank, I never actually believed it but fate and all that has happened made me believed it.

A huge break came into my life back in 1988, as the girl whom I have fallen so deeply before in 1985 came back into my life. Thinking again that it would be great again….to hopelessly falling in ‘love’ again. Did it come full circle? OR did it just went up in smoke? In 1988, came the year where I have written for the first time a love song of some positive aspiration and feelings. The song titled I LOVE YOU was written with the music from a ALAN TAM’s song from his movie “Soldier of love”. The set of lyrics below is the song titled I LOVE YOU.

I LOVE YOU – SAM KONG (1988)

Never thought that I could fall in love
Since the day she walked out on me
Life seems so dark and so lonesone
I wonder what's gonna happen

Life without love is so hard to lead
I wonder how long could I live
Then when I saw you here one day
I knew that my life's gonna change
Chorus:-
Thinkin' of you day and night
Lovin' you so deeply inside
I never felt love so good before
And I know it is true for you
I love you
Cause there ain't nothin' that can change this truth

Lyrics: Sam Kong
Music: 半梦半醒 (谭咏麟 )

The reason why I was quite proud of this song, is because it brought me some rewards as I won the MM DAY ‘Talent Search’ beating a tough field of challengers and also the competition was stiff, and that the fact I was the least prepared for such a competition, after retiring from stage performances since 1985. Then as she came back into my life in 1988 in a flash, she also left me suddenly. I guessed the problem has always been me, though she always says that I deserved someone better than her. I would never agree with that at all because who am I to judge? Refusing to let her go, I kept trying to get her back but all efforts were in vain. Maybe she was merely looking to me as a cover or a substitute prior to her, finding her MR. RIGHT. The walls suddenly came tumbling down for me…..7th July 1989, which coincidentally happens to be my birthday. Hell broke loose again…….

I did not write another song since after the ‘I LOVE YOU’ of another such a song with so much feelings and devotion. After that it is all about heartbreaks and relationships that has gone all wrong. It was then I realized that it is impossible to write another of such song no more……because I have found so difficult to feel again….

Something wonderful happened in 1994 and I thought for a moment it was like a dream but it wasn’t…because I have finally found someone who’d accept me for who I am and what I am, which is so rare indeed. She became my first girlfriend of my life….things got on well and we went on and start a family. Suddenly it hit me again, was it too good to be true as my marriage went on the rocks and even though I have given it enough consideration and thought. I finally had to make the most difficult decision of my life i.e. to walk away from my marriage and continue my solo life again. My heart felt like a sabre stabbing through it, twisted through it and left there in my heart forever….as even thinking of her, I could feel the pain. Maybe that happens when you love someone so hard and so deeply.

I could not hold onto the feelings within too long as it is really too heavy for me to carry. So I decided to open up and used songwriting to express how I felt about…life, love and things around me. In 2005, an inspirational moment helped me write yet another song (under 5 minutes to complete). The song was titled ‘My heart will be with you (always)’ and it is song of reflection of my love life and the comforting moments when I felt loved.

MY HEART WILL BE WITH YOU (ALWAYS)
WHEN I FEEL LONELY
WHEN YOU'RE NOT WITH ME
I START TO THINK OF YOU
I KNOW YOU MISS ME TOO
SO LET OUR HEART BEAT AS ONE.

I REALLY MISS YOU
I REALLY LOVE YOU
I FEEL YOU IN MY HEART
TO SAY THAT I LOVE YOU
MY HEART WILL BE WITH YOU

CHORUS:
I WISH THAT I HAVE WINGS
I'D FLY TO YOU
HOLD YOU IN MY ARMS ETERNALLY
I WOULD GIVE IT ALL TO BE WITH YOU
UNTIL THE END OF TIME
SO DON'T YOU WORRY
SO DON'T FEEL WEARY
CAUSE I AM HERE FOR YOU
SO DARLING CAN'T YOU SEE
YOU ARE EVERTHING TO ME.

Music by : Sam Hui (HK singer)
Lyrics by : Sam Kong (me)

This song later gave me some fame as I finally able to perform it with Sam Hui at his concert in Singapore in Oct 2005. This song was of course not the last of my works between 2005 & 2006 as there was a few more songs that was written….mainly about my love life, my love and dejections too.

You showed me what is love?
in the beginning,
i never knew love
i only heard it in stories and tales
i start to wonder
the day i know love
would be the day that i meet u

Bridge:-
you came into my life
when i had given up all hope
to find true love
in this life time
you took my hand instead
showed me the way to true love
from that day
i know i found love

Chorus:-
so let us make this story, a story of our true love
with you near me and i need no other
and it is you that showed me that true love does exist
i love you with all my heart

Repeat bridge
Repeat chorus 3x

I love you with all my heart

Music: 童话 - 光良
Lyrics: Sam Kong


I know that in life, many wrongs don’t make a right but what about many corrects, does it means that it cannot make a wrong – a right. Sometimes I do wonder what is left in life for me in the days to come.

The ability to live alone and bear with the loneliness, miseries and solitude, is not something new but to think that after all the good deeds I have done…..and ending up suffering alone. Gosh…maybe that is the spirit of living.

The more we suffer, the stronger we get……

It’s Christmas eve now and the countdown has ended, spending it at a joint…..I never felt the wholeheartedness of the Christmas atmosphere…as my heart grew heavier by the minute till it struck 12:00 am. Maybe I am just not ready for Christmas…or maybe its just the loneliness that has overwhelmed me. I really don’t know….

Maybe I just need someone to show me what true love really is after all.

Long overdued vacation

Hello everyone,

It must be a surprise suddenly I have written again out of the blue as I have simply too pre-occupied to write due to work committments.

Well, I am writing this blog while still on vacation in Thailand. The fact that I had visited 2 places in Thailand - Phetchabun & Bangkok. While I was in Phetchabun, I took the opportunity to meet a potential customer there and hopefully close a deal or two.

Then I came down to Bangkok, and went on a shopping spree as before I left, I was given a long shopping list from friends.

Anyway this trip it was a little different as I did not travel alone, I was travelling this round with a lady friend, and for the first time since 2001 (together with my ex-wife).

Here are some pictures I would include here.....