THE UGLY TRUTH ABOUT HUMAN

It has been such a long while since I "let fly what's bothering me in my heart" and the reason is simple as I have found some form of serenity when I re-married again back in 2013.

In my years working, I was constantly referred to as an ARROGANT person and truth is I am, for all the right and wrong reasons. No matter what is the situation, normally I would fight back against anything or anyone who "steps on feet or cross my turf".

At some point in time, I became so over my head that I became everybody's enemy but my own and situation was getting bad to worst. Then I stopped and re-evaluate my life, as I gradually learnt to calm down and observe things from another prospective. It was not easy but gradually with lots of difficulty (within me) I had to make a change.

After the gradual reform, I felt better internally as I breathe better and the heart was not that heavy as before though I am faced with the usual crap at work. Sometimes even a nice guy have to become a meaner person than before cause in truth "good guys always finish last OR even not at all"

Sometimes I really wonder does it help to be a nice guy in my industry, the answer is NO as at the end of the day, it is all about interests and things doesn't go well people would resort to back-stab and malign you.

How about silence? Does being silent means well? The answer is YES / NO as some would assume that our silence is our weakness, it could get worst or for the better but in most cases it would just get worst. The 'assaults' or 'insults' would just keep on coming as they would feel that they have the upper hand without considering the fact that people keeps silent just to avoid confrontation and misunderstanding.

So I really wonder does age really change us all?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L-JQ1q-13Ek

In the previous blog entries, many would have heard that I sort of like given up on love and relationships and it ain't like gonna happen for me at all....and just as I was making myself a statement on it again. It happened .... THE MIRACLE. Holy God, it really did happen to me afterall because I never believed that it did. She was just a mutual friend of one of my friends..who'd introduced her to me as his effort to allow me to expand my circle of friends of the opposite gender. He was damn sure that she would be the ONE to sweep me off my feet. Of course, in the first meet-up session was a subtle affair with me forever playing the 'cool hand' and display no emotions or feeling acting neutral throughout and occasionally showing the SBC (simply bo chap) attitude. It was later which my friend revealed that after our first meet-up that she kept calling him to enquire more information about me and naturally my friend told her to find out about me from me. Then I took the first initiative by asking her out for a movie, to see how was the outcome....guess what, she agreed to go out with me. I was of course happy and excited but have to stay focused throughout for all the signs. I booked tickets to watch a movie, never realizing that she actually watched it already on Thursday. On the eventful evening which I was expecting for since I really don't remember when, because I last dated a woman out in the mid-90s who'd happened to be the only woman of my life then till now, and something bad happened to me. I injured myself badly during the course my work around late afternoon, and I was thinking to myself what bad luck I am dealt with. I endured all the pain and made the date, as I know from the suffering of the excruciating pain I will find warmth in the heart and soul. She was on the hand, was very touched by the fact that I really made the effort to make the date knowingly that most would have postponed it after suffering the injury I had. To be frank throughout the date, she showered me with care and concern which I'd say I never felt it before even from my ex-wife, and of course I was very touched and grateful. She'd even made me promise to call her after seeing a doctor about my injury to tell her of the outcome of the consultation as it was a bad injury.

Thank GOD, the injury was not as severe as initially perceived as it was more swelling related rather that ligamental or bone related. After medication was taken, the excruciating pain which I was suffering from reduced gradually and similarly the swelling. We went out for date #2 together with her daughter, and I guessed for her, it is important because if her daughter accepts me. It would be a moral boost for her as it means that her daughter would definitely accepts me as the next best thing to a parent. We spent sometime 'quame' together as my buddy took care of her daughter, by looking out for her at the playground. At the end the evening, she told me to rest well.... Guess now maybe she is the ONE.....but let's see....stay tuned for the saga of Sam finally found someone.....hahaha!!!

The aftermath of Christmas & New Year

Well, today is the 2nd January 2012. The very 2nd day of the new year and I am at a cafe alone, surfing net and playing some Haonline games. Recollecting the events that passed me by as there were 2 festive holidays which to me, has come and gone. Christmas 2011 came and went by, like a flash as I spent the Christmas eve resting as I had a heck of day followed by being stuck in a massive jam before returning home. I guess the massive jam has drained me out as it was like 4 hours, as I was stuck in my car hungry, thirsty and a little heavy in the bowel. After reaching home, totally flat out I went for a quick shower to hope to freshen up. But just after the shower, I just dropped 'dead' and slept like a log as even when my mobile rang, I could not hear it. I finally got up just before the countdown to Christmas day but since I had nowhere to go and that I was also very hungry, so I went for my dinner at the regular indian coffeeshop. But the fact that there was nowhere interesting for me to go, as the usual practice is to go to a pub and countdown alone. This year I wanna have a difference and decided against it. On both Christmas and Boxing day, I spent most of my time preparing the new price list for 2012 and also sourcing for some new items which I am gonna do some campaigns. Then came Tuesday which I am so happy to be back to work finally. New Year's eve and day also came and went, as I was working in office on New Year's eve till mid afternoon. I was so relieved to have completed the price list entry to the system by then. Knowingly I had an appointment later in the day, I rested a little in Singapore instead of heading back to JB. I went to my friend's place for a New Year gathering and some was really surprised to see my pressence as I was always the 'Invisible Man' because I always never turn up for this kinda gatherings. Had a little wine and food, and a mahjong session then I am off home around 3 in the morning. Though I was extremely tired, I was also relieved that most of the guys there was asking me of my well-being and also the dreaded question of whether have I found someone new for life. I guess it's because they cared and knowingly that I am not the type of guy who can be alone for long periods. Some even ask me what is my resolution for 2012. I really don't know what to tell them. Every year I would make some resolutions but only those related to work that had not disappointed me, as those made about love and relationships were the ones that was best left unspoken for. At the end of the day, I think I am better off right focusing all my efforts on my work which brings me more satisfaction instead of looking for miseries sorting out love. Someone did tell me if I were to make the effort to look better to lose a whole lot of weight and with a clean cut, that may help enhence my chances to achieve some success in relationships or the least a better than average chance to know more ladies. I think my friend is right, in most instance but in truth, I hardly have time to mingle as most of the time I am spending on working or with my boss, entertaining customers. Thus, the only women which I am often in contact with are those working in a pub or a club....but not from the normal working class. Anyway the encouragement I got from this friend is really heart warming. For 2012, I only wish to see that I have a new colleague which I hope to come by Feb 2012 so that I could be relieved of a lot of local duties and that I could focus on my export sales and business development. Of course with the arrival of the new colleague, I may be able to take a short vacation, either to Thailand, Hong Kong, Macau or Australia. All plans are on the boards now....Que Sera Sera...what will be will be!

Christmas 2011 & New Year 2012

Well, it is the time of year where there is joy and love all around, yes it is Christmas time and as it draws near. I could not help but to feel extremely down and hapless as I have always dreaded Christmas, and other festivities where people come together. This year is not going to be any different to me, as Christmas would be spent alone, and preferring to either stay at home or getting myself drunk. I remembered that in 2007 I made myself a promise to get myself a X'mas gift and I think I would actually get it finally this year. It is no special gift actually and nothing too fanciful too, as I am actually planning getting myself a GUITAR. Have not played since a long time, and wondering if I could play it again.

This days I have developed a phobia in going outdoors as I am always alone, and watching people come in groups of friends, or with their love ones. It really makes me wonder time and time again, am I really destined to be a loner or am I just too blind to see the people that's around me. Some have even asked me if my decision to stay in JB, was it a right one? I guessed they actually were concerned the fact that I am all alone in JB and if there is anything that happens to me, NO ONE would know. I have also gave it a lot of thought too about staying in JB as I have to weigh the pros and cons, to come out with the best rational reason for me to accept. But staying in Singapore becomes a real burden as cost of living was the main concern and also the fact that I have become very Malaysian makes it harder to adapt in Singapore. So many rules and regulations, and so stressful. I guess I will follow my heart and as the song title reflects "wherever I lay my hat that's my home". Actually I have actually made it myself in a way that I have set out initially like the Jay Chou song "一路向北" as I have no other dependants so really I could move as I wishes.

The coming new year 2012 would be an interesting year for me, as it also marks the 10th anniversary of my marriage failure. All would say that I should be on my way starting a new life but in truth, I have accepted ONE true fact as if ONE is fated to be a loner then so be it. There is practically nothing I could do to change this fact. Maybe I just want to mould myself into the role of the movie "初恋红豆冰" called BOTAK....who has so much to say to the one he loves/adores but he never did at the end.



Still wondering how to pass X'mas and New Year first before 2012.

Cheers all,

Life, Love & Livelihood

It's rather apparently quite hilarous sometimes when I read back what I have written in the past blogs and found basically one very common thing.....the grumbles of an aging old man. In truth sometimes I guess this is the only way I could really let my heart go and express whatever I feel deep deep within. Since in reality, how many would accept the truth, the very truth gracefully, without denial and without resistance. NONE!!!

As a human being living in this mortal world for as long as I could remember, but in truth sometimes I really wonder what is purpose of my sole existence as I really see no relevence nor deed. I lead a life which many would not wanna lead as it is no doubt not as bad a beggar but it ain't rosy at all because without the grit and will to live, guess not many would have made it thus far.

If ever someone ask me how life was for me, over the entire 40 over years? I always say that I am just glad to be alive still...and that wondering everyday, when will my time come? I have had a mediocre life from young and it's really better off than many but of course, it ain't the best. I would also like to thank my parents for allowing me to lead an independant life as I was never a sheltered kid. I had my falls and have been badly 'burnt' in life with poor judgement of character and an indiscipline in finance control. But all of those shaped and moulded me to be wiser and careful. This days though life is so so, financially I am quite conservative and skeptical when it comes to spending, nonetheless I am just glad I finally learnt my lesson about self control and more....not only with money and with my emotions. I know jolly well through the years of courtships and failed relationships, which also included a failed marriage. The years of failure in relationships really put my drain for me in my confidence and also the fear of giving my heart away has grown to a point where even personally I really cannot contemplate.

This days when people ask me if I do feel lonely? It is now a question which I constantly dodge because everyone around me knows, I have been alone since my marriage failed in 2003 and even before that I was never a lady's man, not too many lady companions in my life. Spending most of times wondering where I have went wrong in all the failed courtships have left me believing that I will never be good enough for any woman at all, resigning to fate that I may have to spend my final days pretty much all by myself. Sometimes I am also not too sure is it me, who have become too numb to love someone again or am I just too afraid of being hurt again? OR this days I would lie to myself convincingly that I cannot afford a relationship...and it has worked for now and for the last 3 years or so. I used to very conservative and quite hypocritical about the woman I woe, but years passed and that I have relaxed the conditions which I could accept all terms and conditions, and even to the point where the lady was previously married and had a kid with her. Till today, with such laxed conditions and criterias, I am still find myself being turned away and rejected. Guessed what I think today is right, better off being alone than courting for more heartaches.

Work is now my best friend irregardless how exhausted or how miserable I feel at the end of the day, I know that WORK is my last resort where I will find self actualisation and joy. Least it does not hurt me as much as it does with relationships....Of course, I do place a little hope that maybe someday someone would walk into my life...for now. Guessed that's all I have to say for now...until then...stay tuned to the grumbles of an old fool.

Thoughts after being officially 42 years old

I have recieved feedback on my blog that some have read it and really found that I am very "blue" or that I really don't see there is any light at the end of the path I am taking. They are so right and that is a reality which I would not want to hide anymore. Seriously sometimes I do wonder what is my sole purpose in the mortal world.

I have resisted in so many ways in recent times to ever think of relationships and love. It is really something which I realised that if I put it all to rest, maybe I could find some form of peace and not feel hurt at all. Is it really easy thing to thing to do or put into practice? The truth....it is more difficult than asking me to take a bullet or poison. I am a goddamn Cancerian, who have so much feelings and emotions though I can be also very sensitive and passionate. In truth that as I have so hurt in terms of confidence and also in my heart, it is also very hard to find someone to give my love to OR even looking for someone who'd accept me as what I am the least, is already a task which I consider even harder that for me to scale Mount Everest.

Recently I celebrated my 42nd birthday, pretty much all by myself although I was joined by my staff but I guess it could have been better OR worst for that fact. I really was not looking for some hot date or something exotic. Truth is that I do feel lonely (though I maybe smiling and laughing all night).

Anyway, though my efforts to suppress my feelings and also for people (women around me) especially. I would have said it is a disaster because I have started to have some form of liking for someone which I know I would never stand a chance at all. Then why do I wanna feel so miserable? I cannot answer even myself today but then again I am trying also very hard to 'kill it' and in vain.

I do hope the next time I would write something good and bright on my next post.

Sam

State of uncertainty

Really has been a long while since I last sat down in front of a PC and start to empty my thoughts. Empty my thoughts....would it be possible? What shall I remove first? Work thoughts, life thoughts, financial thoughts or things about love and companionship.
Seriously for me, till date, I hate to accept the fact that I am a lousy liar especially to myself. The fact that I kept telling myself I am OK and you are OK just to appease myself, worked for a while indeed but lately it has started to show signs that it is not gonna work for long. What's next? Sincerely I really don't know what I am gonna do when all the lies to make me feel ok is exhausted....how am I going to convince myself then.
The saddest truth till date that I fail to accept is that "Good guys hardly finish first" but the true metaphor is that "GOOD GUYS NEVER FINISH AT ALL" as they would be likely dumped, jilted or gets cheated at the end before even being in a relationship with the lady of his dreams/desire. The reality check is that it is never easy to be a gentleman or a good guy because most of the times, the women we encountered have had bad experiences in relationships already. Thus it makes it even more difficult to even try to be reassuring.
Just watched the movie "HITCH" again, most would wonder why am I watching this movie again and again. The fact that the character Alex Hitchens, played by Will Smith, really resembles slightly of what I have been through. In truth as mentioned in the movie....No Guile, No Game, No Girl. I believe how true it is this days as it would be impossible to go to someone who you think is nice and tell her, you like her and would like to get to know her better....and not to be mistaken by her at the end as she may think that you are someone who is looking for someone to be laid. How ugly the reality is? It kinda like bites you in the arse when even the intentions you have for her is true and noble.
This days for me, I just want to live day by day...working my socks off, burning myself out daily so that I would not have the zest nor the energy to think about as the only thought I have then is to "re-charge my batteries".

I would like to share this wonderful song to show everyone....how I would feel for the one I love....and ....sigh

More Than Just The Two Of Us - Sneakers (1983)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xPX0i9M1RHI