I have recieved feedback on my blog that some have read it and really found that I am very "blue" or that I really don't see there is any light at the end of the path I am taking. They are so right and that is a reality which I would not want to hide anymore. Seriously sometimes I do wonder what is my sole purpose in the mortal world.
I have resisted in so many ways in recent times to ever think of relationships and love. It is really something which I realised that if I put it all to rest, maybe I could find some form of peace and not feel hurt at all. Is it really easy thing to thing to do or put into practice? The truth....it is more difficult than asking me to take a bullet or poison. I am a goddamn Cancerian, who have so much feelings and emotions though I can be also very sensitive and passionate. In truth that as I have so hurt in terms of confidence and also in my heart, it is also very hard to find someone to give my love to OR even looking for someone who'd accept me as what I am the least, is already a task which I consider even harder that for me to scale Mount Everest.
Recently I celebrated my 42nd birthday, pretty much all by myself although I was joined by my staff but I guess it could have been better OR worst for that fact. I really was not looking for some hot date or something exotic. Truth is that I do feel lonely (though I maybe smiling and laughing all night).
Anyway, though my efforts to suppress my feelings and also for people (women around me) especially. I would have said it is a disaster because I have started to have some form of liking for someone which I know I would never stand a chance at all. Then why do I wanna feel so miserable? I cannot answer even myself today but then again I am trying also very hard to 'kill it' and in vain.
I do hope the next time I would write something good and bright on my next post.
Sam
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